No name

..and aWAAAAAyyyYY We Go

2004-04-19T09:34:00.000-04:00

Alrighty folks. I warned you last week that I was going to be making a move. Where am I going?
Blogdrive, of course. A while back, I randomly came across a blog that was a Blogdrive blog, and I thought the look of it was pretty cool. (and I had already been thinking of making a change) WELL, it turns out that it's Free, too! And get This. Not only is it Free...but already integrated into every blog, is a free commenting system.
Guess what else. Can we say 'Free Integrated Tagboard' too?!?!

Ok, I'm feeling a little weird using Blogger to sing the praises of Blogdrive, so I'm going to stop. (BTW, BLOGGER is great. None of the problems I had were ever BLOGGER related. It's just time to move on)

Anyway, the new blog has a really cool, clean look, but I also ended up styling the color-scheme to resemble this one, so it won't be too much a shock to your senses. (ha ha)

And of course, if you are linked to my site, don't forget to change the link's url to the new one.

So, without further ado... http://www.k-blog.blogdrive.com

See you there!

Soon to be happening

2004-04-15T11:44:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I figured the photo thing out. I was removed from the server, NOT for the Defamation of Character I have become so notorious for, but for using Angelfire as a warehouse for my images without creating a site through them. So, I will not be able to use them any longer.
However, all is not lost. I have discovered how to host the pics on my website. (I had to create a special folder for them)
Also, I suppose this is as good a time as any to announce that I will be moving. Or I should say, K-BLOG will be moving. I've had a nice run, here at Blogspot, but I think I have found a good and more appropriate home for my nonsensical typing fits.
I won't tell you where, YET. But, by Monday, I should be there, and I will let you all know at that time. (I'm still testing things out before I make the big switcharoo)

Can you stand the suspense?

What next?

2004-04-12T09:32:00.000-04:00

So, in addition to getting an e-mail saying that my tagboard is or Will Go temporarily offline, and being really sick, it now appears that I've been kicked off of my photo host. (it seems that I breached the account terms/agreement) It's been impossible for me to find out why, as they haven't responded to my e-mail, and let's be honest, who really reads those things anyway? But one guess is that I may have been reported to the server for my recent post about a certain Ray-Ban sporting guitar player. Cuz you know I'm a slanderous prick who's up to no good, right?
So anyway, now all of my images have been removed.

Any Ideas?

Call me Chicken-Hawk

2004-04-08T11:27:00.000-04:00

So there's a rooster that lives in my neighborhood. Yes, in New York City. On the Upper East Side no less. And yes, every morning when the sun comes up, audible high above the rumble of diesel engines and angry couples yelling at each other, comes the screeching crow of this rooster.

'RR-rrr-RRRRrr! ...RR-rrr-RRRRrr!!'

It's actually slightly on the charming side. It definitely makes the walk to the subway an interesting one, and wakes you up from the overcast tenor of the morning commute.
But there was something different this morning. It's possible that I just hadn't paid that much attention before, or maybe I haven’t had my bedroom window open in a long time, but this morning, at 5:45 am, the rooster started going at it, and didn't stop for 25 minutes. My God!!! This was excruciating. I had always thought that roosters gave about 3 or 4 crows in the morning, and that was it. But this guy really had something to prove! Every five seconds. Just enough time for him to take a breath and scream out another crow. He was truly being a cock. (my apologies)
And no snooze button, of course. No, no. Achieving the desired snooze effect, would require walking down 4 flights of stairs, on out to the corner, and actually killing the thing.
How unbearable. Every once in a while, 30 seconds would go by, and I'd settle back down on my pillow, certain that it had finally finished.

... (quiet)

(more quiet)...

...(amazingly blissful hibernation quiet)...

R-rrr-RRRRrr!!!

Post on the way

2004-04-05T10:43:00.000-04:00

I'll post sometime in the afternoon, as work is currently kicking my ass.

April Fools Day, Schmapril Schmools Schmay

2004-04-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

So, I am not really going to do anything today in the spirit of April Fools. ESPECIALLY since I will Die if I don’t share my big, huge, AMAZING news.
Although I am completely Blown Away by what has just happened, I will try to satisfy those readers who are expecting something April Fool’s oriented.
So, real quick, I’ll say that April Fools Day is pretty cool. I’ve always had fun with the prank thing. Yesterday, I was wondering how it all started. Here’s a little history. There have also been some amazingly elaborate pranks pulled over the years. Here’s a rundown of some of the best and most famous.

Ok. Now that I have THAT out of the way...You will NOT fucking believe what just happened. I have been keeping something from my friends & family for some time now. Purely because I was certain that it would not work out, and I would be left looking like a total idiot. What was I hiding? Well, I was hiding the fact that I had actually applied to be on the next season of The Apprentice.
For those of you who don’t know, The Apprentice is the AWESOME hit reality show created by Mark Burnett (creator of Survivor) & Donald Trump, where you compete with other business minded people to become the head of one of Trump’s businesses. It’s basically an involved and very elaborate job interview. It kicks ass!
From the first episode, I was hooked. So, when I was talking about it with a colleague, and he mentioned that they were going to start taking applications for the next season, in my mind, I made it my mission to be there. So, I did some investigating, and it turned out that they would have an all day screening in midtown. So I went down, and got in line outside the Today Show. It took forever. I was in line fore like 2 hours. They made you bring a resume, of course, a photo, and a 1 page paper about your expertise and why you deserved to be on the show. I took a gamble & chose to highlight my artistic endeavors as well as the fact that I specialize in Marketing for Nonprofits. Once I got in, then they got in my face with a video camera to see how I interacted in front of it. It was quite a bizarre feeling.

ANYWAY...to make a long story short, and even though I feel totally nauseous just saying it...this morning, I got the call of a lifetime. I’ve Been Picked!!!!!!!!! I can’t fucking believe it! I am going to be on The Apprentice!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!

My brain is going about a mile a minute. In fact, I just got home a few minutes ago. I had to skip work to go down to Trump Towers and sign contracts & meet everyone. Yes, even the ‘Donald’ himself. This is absolutely AWESOME. I feel like my brain is melting. (and Yes, his hair is real. Freaky, but real)
Anyway, I actually have to get back down there, and I also have to call my family to tell them, but I’ll leave you with this: I had my digital camera with me, (I’ve been taking it everywhere I go for the last 2 months) so I was able to get a cool photo of the other cast members and Mr. Trump. CHECK IT OUT & wish me luck!!!!!!
APPRENTICE photo with K-Dogg

His Future's So Bright...

2004-03-29T16:17:00.000-05:00

A friend recently told me that everyone has the right to express themselves artistically.

I suppose as an artist myself, by law, I am required to agree with this statement. Unfortunately, as an artist myself, by NATURE, I find it painfully difficult to accept.

One of the more contemporary tests to this theory is a guy named Esteban. Esteban is a guitarist who sells his CDs and his ridiculously crappy guitars on the Home Shopping Network.
He is a 50ish, ponytailed, white guy named Steve Paul. But rest assured, if you ever see him on the HSN, he’ll be wearing a pirate shirt, sunglasses, a black leather goucho hat, and he will be referred to as…ESTEBAN. Ole’!

I never would have heard of this guy had I not been flipping through the triple digit channels at 3a.m. on night, while he was pushing his ‘handmade’ guitars onto the unsuspecting public, via the televised spectacle that is the Home Shopping Network.

“Now Dianne, I want you to look at these 2 guitars. This is my vintage Martin flat top that’s worth about $14,000, this guitar is All Wood.
Now look at the one we’re selling here. I had this specially designed to my specifications, and you can buy it now for under $100. And this too, is an ALL WOOD guitar.”

Wowee. Did you here That? All Wood! Where else are you going to find a wooden guitar in today’s market?

He goes on and on about the ‘Tone’ of the instrument and the rosette design around the soundhole that’s "actually more elaborate than the one on my $14k Martin”.
Well, just take a look at this online review from one of the sad souls that actually fell for Esteban’s pitch.

Now, apparently this guy is actually a decent guitarist and has been ‘endorsed’ by Andres Segovia. But I’ve heard him play on these spots, and I’m far from convinced. Maybe I simply caught him on some off days, where the only things he could muster were truly cringe worthy versions of Unchained Melody, and Malaguena.

What really gets me, though…the thing that totally ignites my fury,… is that Esteban, just like Ottmar Leibert, Aramik, Jesse Cook, etc. actually claims to play Flamenco. Sorry folks. Take it from someone who actually knows a thing or two about the subject. Infusing your recording titles with words like ‘Gypsy Passion’ ‘Flamenco Wind’ & ‘Desert Flame’ aint gonna do it. It’s not only that he’s a total square, but if he is in fact a former student of Segovia’s, that don’t mean much either. Not because Segovia is not one of the greatest classical guitarist of our time, but because he IS. Classical musicians are notorious for not grasping the true spirit & rhythm of flamenco. They’re too technical. And yes, I will admit that likewise, I’ve yet to find a flamenco musician that can correctly perform a classical composition. It’s just the way the world works, people.

Anyhoo...I can’t really condemn the guy for selling cds. And if he wants to be a nerd, he can be a nerd. If people want to spend $99 on a $20 piece of wood with some strings on it, they are free to do so. This post is merely to serve as a personal rant on how excruciatingly cheesy I think this guy and his music are. And how utterly ridiculous it is that all these clueless people keep calling a potbellied wannabe a ‘guitar master’ and a ‘musical genius’.
Uuyyy. Puuulease.

New Pledge (with Lemon Fresh Scent)

2004-03-25T13:28:00.000-05:00

So, there is a new case coming before the Supreme Court. Another safari into the knotted debate of the separation between Church & State.

This new issue? The presence of the word GOD in the Pledge of Allegiance. Michael Newdow, an atheist father from Elk Grove, California, says that his daughter being directed to recite the Pledge with the word GOD, infringes on his Constitutional right to Freedom of Religion.

Yes, Folks. He claims the Pledge, is unconstitutional.
The FUCKING PLEDGE of ALLEGIANCE, PEOPLE!!!! UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!!

For those readers who live in countries other then the US, the Pledge of Allegiance is short little recitation, written in 1892 for a Columbus Day celebration. It was used during a schoolhouse flag raising ceremony. It caught on, and eventually was being recited every morning in every school in the country.
It goes a little something like this:

"I Pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for Which it Stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty & justice for all."

Now this guy's argument is that he is and Atheist, and that by his daughter uttering the word GOD, she is being tricked into admitting to the existence of a God, which to HIM, is like a 'Slap in the Face'. He was quoted as saying, "Every morning, she is being forced to say that her daddy is wrong". He skipped over the little part about not actually being her daddy, (he’s her mom’s boyfriend) and that she actually LIKES saying the pledge, and that her Mother likes her saying the pledge.

Now, I'm no jingoist. Not by a long shot. I just happen to find this a tad...oh I don't know...slightly...Fucking Ridiculous.

First of all, you would have to assume that this 9 year old kid actually knows what the hell she's saying. 'Republic'? 'Indivisible'? Christ, the girl just wants to get it over with so she can sit down. I guarantee it
I mean, as for me, I know that I never paid much attention to it. I simply assumed that that's what you DID at school. And I was right. We'd stand up every morning, face the little flag above the chalkboard, and lyrically butcher the 100 year old, nontoxic sentence. Then sit down, and jump right into goof-off mode. We didn’t sit down and talk about how great our country was, and how we wanted to be just like Abe Lincoln when we grew up. Man, we couldn't give a shit. Nobody's slapping anybody's Step-dad’s face.

It reminds me a lot of little league sports. You know how the parents will run out and punch the umpire because he's being 'unfair' to their kid, and then start beating him with a baseball bat. Meanwhile the kids all start crying because all they want to do is play ball.

The question is not whether or not this guy may have a point. To be honest...shit, maybe he does. (in regard to the 'language' of it anyway). But the question that I pose, is: why bother? It's not an admirable Robin Hood crusade for the people, it's just one big pain in the ass. Children have already been given the freedom to 'opt out' of the pledge, several years ago. So what's the point of this?
The guy is not being forced to say the pledge, the Girl's not being forced to say the pledge, he has no custody over her ANYWAY...So...?
Again, I'm all for personal freedoms and such, but this is simply exhausting me. I say Enough already. Enough with the suing. Enough with cry-baby attitude. I mean, we're not talking the Viet-Nam draft here, folks. Just because people like me said the Pledge of Allegiance every morning for years & years, and had parents that refrained from condemning it's truly EVIL message of Liberty and Justice, it doesn't necessarily put me in a hot tub with G.W., scrubbing his back with a luffa.

- Oh by the way. I've decided that the fact that the American Flag is Red White & Blue, mocks my optical disability of being Color-Blind. I am campaigning to create a new flag that is black & white. That's sure to inspire a whole bunch of other crazy cases. Of course, I might then have to start a NEW law suit that fights the wasting of my tax money on stupid shite like this in the first place. I want my tax money used for those things that REALLY matter...the construction of bigger & better sports stadiums.

Eat a Guru, Today.

2004-03-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

I've only seen one person in my life eat a Green Guru Vegetarian Frozen Dinner. I don't know anything about them, but here's my commercial none the less.

Every day, Bradley looks forward to lunch-time. Why? Well, because that's when he consults his Guru. His GREEN Guru, that is.

Green Guru Microwave Dinners are the best way for vegetarians to grab a quick, tasty, and HEALTHY bite.

20 seconds to Enlightenment.

The Guru says, "The Kofta Curry with Basmati Rice will awaken your senses."

Bradley says, "The vegetable dumplings are not of this world!"

The only Bad thing about eating a Green Guru Microwave Dinner, is that eventually, you finish it.

Looks like a match made in eternal Paradise.

2004-03-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

So, I watched the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductions last night. First, I'll give you the facts.
The Nominees, in reverse alphabetical order, were:

ZZ Top
Traffic
Bob Seger
Prince
George Harrison
The Dells
Jackson Browne

I was not crazy about the format VH1 used. The retrospective montages were quite jumpy and skipped over several significant career moments for each of the inductees. Also, once the inductees were presented, their speeches were interrupted and split-screened with their stage performance that was recorded earlier. It was lame. You couldn't fully follow their speech, nor could you fully enjoy the music.

As for the presentations. Some were apt, even really nice, such as Kid Rock inducting Bob Seger. Whether you're a fan of Kid Rock's or not, you could see that he was nervous and had a real appreciation for being there. And Tom Petty's induction of George Harrison (MY favorite Beetle by the way) was great as he recognized not only the body of work, but also the spirit and altruism that made up 'the Quiet One.'

Other inductions were just strange. Like, when Alicia Keys commanded the crowd, which included the likes of Robert Plant & Mick Jagger, to 'Get on Your Feet & Pay Homage to the One & Only Prince'.
And Keith Richards' drunken induction of ZZ Top was a total disappointment. He spent most of his podium time discussing how he probably slept with everyone's mother, and took no more than a couple of seconds to say that ZZ Top were 'great guys'.
I was pretty bummed about it, because ZZ Top are so great. They deserved a much better intro.
(on a side note: I met them several times, as I used to work for Arista which was in the same building as Hammstein Music, their publishing co. These guys are just as cool in person. Which is to say, Really Fucking cool.)

All the inductees, however, were awesome. Bob Seger was humble, Prince was eloquent, as was Dahni Harrison, (George's son), and ZZ Top just wanted to keep on rockin'.

Performance wise, Tom Petty, Jeff Lyne, and Dahni Harrison's handling of George's songs was spot on perfect. Not to mention, that Dahni, is the Fucking Spitting Image of George. (he even had the classic Harrison bobble-head going)

The real prize, though, goes to the 'one & only PRINCE'. He ROCKED!! His own performance was truly spectacular, but when his guitar 'Wept', on Harrison's hit, along with Tom, Jeff, & Dahni, there wasn't anything 'Gentle' about it. It Sobbed Openly!! It Choked on it's tears!! Imagine the end of Let's Go Crazy, turned up to ELEVEN. The highlight of the whole damn show. The finale jam on Steve Winwood's hit, 'Feeling Alright' paled in comparison to the Petty/Lyne/Harrison/Prince experience.

Prince also gets the award as the one person who can confusingly be so brazenly cocky, yet so sweetly appreciative at the same time.

Anyway, with all due respect to the Dells, Jackson Brown, & Traffic, (all of whom truly did deserve to be inducted into the Hall of Fame) my favorites were George Harrison, Bob Seger, ZZ Top, and Prince. The End.

Quite the Dopple Gang

2004-03-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

So, this is K-Blog, and I am K-Dogg. Would you have ever thought that out there somewhere, there is a KBlog posted by a K-Dawg??? Well there is, and I found him. Although, interestingly enough, the only archeological proof of his blogger existence are 6 posts written in the year 2000 AD.

Feel free to check him out here. KBlog

My boredom + Google has also produced These interesting finds:

Kay Dawg Blog - Posted by Kayla, who seems to have had a bit part in A Midsummer Night's Dream and had a fight with a guy named Zach, but later made up. Wrote for 2 months and then went the way of the Incas.

kblog- posted by Kristy. Her handle is Blue Serendipity, which sounds strangely similar to someone I know.

K'BLOG - posted by Kim who has only one post, which although short & difficult to read because of the type setting, is utterly fascinating, as it is her one post before she departs California for Iraq.

Bloger K - although quite desolate, boasts a nice pic of a dolphin.

K Blog- apparently belongs to the Kappes family of France. It includes sparse to no content, but many colorful squares and a picture of the minivan that they're selling.

&
k blog - which appears to be Viagra Central, as all of its posts are links to various drug and medication suppliers.

I wonder if anyone's tracking ME down.

What St. Patty's Day means to me

2004-03-17T15:13:00.000-05:00

An award winning essay by Samuel Beazer

What a wonderful day.
Known the whole world 'round, as the one day a year when Irish Mormon children dress up in scary costumes and receive pints of Guinness in their shoes while they sleep.
My niece and nephew could hardly contain themselves as they tried desperately to remember if they had been naughty or Really naughty. They knew all too well that Santa Patrick kept a list, and he checked it more than once, but less than three times.

Last night on St. Patrick's Eve Plumb, the kids gathered around the hearth, and begged me to tell them the story of the first St. Patty's Day.

..."it was a long time away, in a land far far ago, when Old Santa Pat woke up with a yawn, slid on his kilt, and stepped out of the pub, in which he had collapsed the night before. He was greeted by the familiar sight of the O'Malleys' herd. The O'Malleys lived next door to the O'Reillys & the O'Connells, and across from the O'Henrys. The O'Henrys were neighbors to the O'Neills, who shared land with the O'Brians. On the opposite hill lived the Finnegans, the Sherridens, the Bennigans, and the Hennigans, and they lived down the road from the Fitzgeralds, the Fitzsimmons, and the Changs.

Patty was getting an early start hiding eggs all around the hillside, for the leprechauns to find. It was a fun game. The leprechaun who found the most eggs that morning would end up having the biggest omelet for breakfast. Just when he was hiding the last egg, Santa Pat was attacked by a huge snake. The snake told Patrick that he would not leave him alone until he learned how to play the fife. Pat tried to play the fife, but he was so bad that the snake started laughing. When the snake opened his mouth, Pat grabbed a bunch of potatoes and shoved them down the snake's throat. The snake died, of course, but when they cut him open later, they found him full of candy-canes and holly berries. St. Pat felt bad, so he named the snake Easter Bunny, and made a vest out his skin. Which is why to this day, people where green.
It was then that St. Patrick put on his vest and stuck a feather in his hat, jokingly referring to it as macaroni, even though he knew quite well that it was just a feather. He stated marching up over the hill and piping a jolly tune on his fife (he was fooling the snake by pretending he couldn't play). When the people and the leprechauns and the sheep all heard his merry song, they started following him through the countryside. They walked and walked until they passed the end of the rainbow, and followed him right into Scottish territory where they were quickly cut down by ambushing forces.

And that, boys and girls, is the story of the first St. Patrick's Day Parade.
(Thanks Easter Bunny. `bawk-bawk`)

Somebody Explain

2004-03-16T17:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday 3/15/04

Today 3/16/04

cool thing

2004-03-15T17:11:00.000-05:00

I'm just waiting for more people to comment on my woodchuck post.

ok ok, just kidding. But here's a cool bit of news:

K-Blog, along with several others, has been chosen from close to 1,000 reviewed blogs, to be featured as a favorite on Manhattan.com. It's a website that has all things NYC/Manhattan on it, and I've been added to their Manhattan Blogs page.
Not too shabby, right?

Check them out.

Quiz #1

2004-03-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

Q: How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck Chuck, if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?

a) 18 units of wood per 3 units of time.

b) Woodchucks stopped chucking wood in the early 80’s, because the taste of the wood began to make them nauseous. This is in fact the origin of the word, 'UpChuck'.

c) Not a whole hell of a lot. Woodchucks are really small. If they could chuck any, it'd be like little flying woodchips, and they'd need to take frequent breaks. Although, 80-100 woodchucks working together in unison, could probably chuck a small rocking chair and some baseball bats.

d) The secret is that woodchucks are actually master chuckers. They can chuck TONS of wood. The thing IS, they have very bad attitudes and will refuse to chuck ANYTHING, wood or otherwise, without significant monetary compensation.

Yo, Mr. McFeely You AINT!

2004-03-10T15:24:00.000-05:00

So, over the passed 10 months, I've accepted that my office is not necessarily close to any of my favorite restaurants. I've accepted that it will take about 40 minutes to get my lunch delivered, even if it's coming from the 2 diners that are within walking distance.

But TODAY,....ooOOOohhhhh!

An Hour & 1/2 !! What the hell?!?! I was dying here. I was hallucinating.

'Huh? What's that you say, Mr. Kangaroo? You'd like to take me on a tour of candy shops in the enchanted swamps of Louisiana? Sounds like fun. We can take this flying washing machine that's parked outside.'

Sure, I probably should snap myself out of it with thoughts of my new hero, Joe Simpson from Touching The Void, who survived 5 days on a mountain with a broken leg and no food or water. But Come On. I'm Hungry! And I aint on no mountain. I'm in the Freakin' Bronx!!

No human should have to wait 1 1/2 hours for their lunch. NO ONE! (except maybe Tony Orlando)
Anyway, I got the food. I ate it. But I wasn't happy about it. And No. No tip. And I don't EVEN want to hear about it. You get a tip when you do your job.

I'm taking the menu home with me tonight so I can order for Tomorrow's lunch. I'm taking no chances.

Pop Radio

2004-03-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

At the end of February, the owners of FM 106.7 in York, Pa., finally put their long deliberated plan into effect.

For some time now, 106.7, or Cat Country, had been planning to change formats. Over the years, Cat Radio had built a loyal country audience in central PA, but now were preparing to make a big change.
Although the reasoning behind the decision to abandon their popular country format is unclear, the station never the less said good-bye to country music, in the 3rd week of February, 2003.

Unfortunately, it seems that this plan was not thoroughly thought out.
For although the station managers, DJs, and production team spent the week bidding a fond farewell to their country fans, to make way for their new format and new listeners, no one had ever bothered to decide what that new format would BE.

After flipping the switch at the end of the day, one can only assume that the station was filled with a lot of nervous glances, as if to say, "uuuhh...So, What Now?"
or how about,
"Ok, Bob. So, what should I play now? What's our new format?"
with the response:
"ME?? I thought YOU were picking the new format!"

Anyway, in mad scramble to avoid 'dead air' the unanimous decision was made to play one song on a continuous loop.

And so it was, that the loyal listeners of Hershey, PA, tuned into 106.7 FM, on their way to work & during their morning workout to be greeted by the classic composition, 'POP Goes The Weasel', which was played 24 hours a day, every day, for 4 days.

epilogue: The station has finally decided on a format, and now calls themselves, Cool POP - 106.7.

Forever Hold Your PIECE

2004-03-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

My Sister's Getting Married. When? Right now.

No, I'm not there. Yes, I wish I was. No, we're not a disfunctional family that has to make every move a political one. I simply live in another part of the country and we couldn't make it happen. Plus... I just found out about it last night.
Now now, although the time & date was a very last minute decision, the marriage definitely wasn't. They've been together for a while, are in love, and have been talking about getting hitched for some time. It's a second marriage for my sister, and she in no way wanted a big tadoo. (to-do?) Anyway, they quietly had been trying to figure out a way to time it so that everyone that Should be there, Could be there. But, understandably, they didn't want to wait another year for everyone's vacation time to roll around again. So, they're doing it, and I couldn't be more pleased. (unless of course, I WAS there, and maybe had also just made a bundle on the ponies)

So without going into any further detail, I figured, why not take the opportunity to publicly throw my support behind this sound merger.
Big Congratulations to You.

Really Great Tuesday

2004-03-04T14:10:00.000-05:00

by: Sammy Beazer

Hey folks, if you didn't go out and vote on Tuesday, shame on you! We all need to be active in our great nation's growth and development. For all of you that sat on your rear-ends and didn't get to the Vote Poll, here's what happened.

In a mild landslide, Sen. Jon Carrie won Tuesday's Super Election. He beat all his opponents, Jonathan Edwards, Al Sharpton, & even the once thought unbeatable Howard Dean. Carrie won in 9 out of the 10 United States. What does this mean? Well it means that he is one step closer to being the President of America.

Now he has to fight president Bush. No, not that one, there's ANOTHER one. His son. Anyway, he lives in the WhiteHouse right now, and he doesn't want to move, because he really likes it. But Sen. John Carrie went to see the house once, and HE really liked it too, and he wants to move there. Bush thinks that the house is SOO nice, that it's worth about $140 million dollars. That's alot more than the $32 million that Carrie had put on the table. There is so much money being thrown around that they need to keep it safely hidden in a war chests. Of course, sometimes Mr. Bush is asked, 'Hey Mr Bush, where'd you get all that money?' And he just looks at the ground, and responds quietly, 'Somebody gave it to me.'

So these guys are gonna duke it out for the house, but MR. Sharpton says that he needs a week to decide if he's gonna stop his running. So, look out folks, we might be in for a 3-way here. I hear that Sharpton really carries a lot of weight.

Anyway, the last election of all the elections is coming up in a while so, you best be getting to the Voting Poll. Make you mark, Sammy says.

Election Stuff

2004-03-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'd comment on the election thing that's going on right now, but I quite simply don't feel like it, so I'm just gonna let Sammy take care of it, as he is very knowledgeable in this area.

We're on the Map, and we aint Budgin'

2004-03-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off
EL PASO, TX—Native Texan and chili chef Jerry Gerber, 41, said he has been suffering a palpable sense of melancholy ever since the 17th Annual Five-Alarm Chili Cook-Off on Feb. 28 ended. "Spend all year gittin' together the hottest, rootin'-tootinest, mule-kickinest chili this side of the Rio Grande, and whadya git fer yer troubles?" Gerber said Tuesday. "Shucks, you eat it and then you're all hat and no horse." In lieu of seeking professional help, Gerber said he plans to force himself back into the saddle by beginning work on his entry for the Texas Beef Council Steak-A-Thon in June.

- Courtesy of The Onion

Well, looky what he have Here...

2004-03-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

Somebody's done gone and got themselves a photoblog.

It's Later

2004-03-01T13:40:00.000-05:00

Well, it was just a very stressful weekend. I wrote my last post on Friday. I work for a major cultural institution in NY, and this weekend was the opening weekend of one of our biggest exhibitions of the year. It has been hard enough to build a larger & more solid staff, train them, and institute an efficient work protocol, all in less than a month's time, but NOOooo. "While we're at it, let's introduce a totally new and foreign computerized admissions system, too!"
When was the first time my staff saw one of the new terminals? 2 days before the opening. How long where they trained? 45 minutes. When was the first time they actually worked with the system? Opening Day.
Talk about Freaking Chaos!!!
There are way too many details to start listing them here, but I'll leave it as is.
It was a crazy weekend, and I'm glad it's over.

Oh, and I played a gig on Sat. night, stayed out till 4am, but still made it to work by 8:30am. How the hell did I do That?!?

My Brain is Melting!!!

2004-02-27T12:01:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you why, later.

I Swear...

2004-02-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

by: Sammy Beazer

Whoa, K-Dogg. That was quite a harsh post. You must be really upset.
But, dear God, man…why so many curse words?

I've been noticing your swearing for quite some time now, (about 2 hours) and I really find it unnecessary. It is easier than you think to avoid those words. I do my darndest, to replace those offensive profanities as much as I can, with lighter but still emphatic terms.

For example, I often find the need to use the word 'Testicles'. Yes, about 27 times a day, I feel the urge to blurt out this word. But instead, I use the word 'Puffer-Fish'. Or on the rare occasion that someone is being particularly abrasive and I get a little hot under the collar, I switch out the word 'A**hole' for the more acceptable 'Teddy Bear'. I have lot’s of them, for example, 'Staples' works perfectly for 'Sh*t', and for the 'F' word, I simply use 'Giggle'.

Really, now. I think you have the strength to channel your anger in a more helpful, rather than Hurtful way. It worked for Me.
For example, just yesterday, I was driving down the freeway, and a gruff looking man cut me off. Well, I quickly began to tail him. Real Close. I was right up on this Teddybear. Eventually, he saw me in his mirror and pulled over. At that time I grabbed my tire iron from underneath the seat and I stepped out.
I said, "You mother giggling teddybear! What the giggle do you think you're doing? I'm gonna smack you so hard, you'll be stapling blood for a week, you stinking pile of staples!"

He looked at me VERY puzzled, but once I broke his forearm with my tire-iron and gave him 2 or 3 kicks to the puffer-fish, I think he got the picture.

See, K-Dogg? Everything got worked out, and not one swear word was used. Now, I'm not suggesting that you need to be more like Me, but maybe you could take a look at the way I deal with life's little potholes. I'm happier than I've ever been, and you could be, too.

As long as you don't giggle with me. Capiche?

Hey, Fuckers!!!

2004-02-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to You, MTA! Piece of shit Metropolitan Transit Authority!!

What the hell is your problem?! Why must you suck so bad?? I tell ya, I've had it!
I am soooo sick of waiting for your fucking useless trains to never come. Sick of your shitty bus drivers slamming on the breaks every 15 feet. And sick of your Freaking asshole stuffed suits raising the fare whenever they hear a baby cry. You guys are the biggest jerks on the face of the earth, and your service SUCKS!!!

You know what I love MORE than when you spontaneously and radically alter train routes & schedules without telling anyone? More than you covering your ass, over said alterations, by putting up 3 hidden and thoroughly confusing computer printouts on those metal girders at the platforms? I love it when you dangle a carrot in front of an enraged community by holding one of your "Public Forums", even though you have no intention of really listening to a word anyone says.

Tonight, I stood in the cold waiting 40 minutes for a bus. Finally the bus came, and took me to the station, where I waited another 40 minutes for the freaking express train. EXPRESS!!!! And in the most spectacularly diabolical irony, the train actually showed up. But it didn't STOP! In fact, FOUR fucking trains came and kept on going. Leaving us standing there in shock. Helpless. I've had it with you guys. I hate you.
So...? Why must you suck so Bad?

Answer me, you bastards!!!

Howdy

2004-02-18T19:58:00.000-05:00

So, I'm in Texas right now. And nope, you can't beat it with a stick.
Austin kicks ass. Always has. On Monday I was slipping on the ice outside my apt. in 20 degree grayness, and on Tuesday, I was sitting by Town Lake, in 70 degree sunshine, sipping on a Corona. So far so good.
And things should only be getting better as I will be playing a show in San Antonio on Fri. and one in Austin on Sat. I'm really looking forward to it, as the places that booked me are pretty cool, and they're expecting big crowds.

The only thing that is really weird, is the way that I interact with people. I really have to watch what I say. I'm always worried that the behavior that passes for normal in NY, will end up actually hurting someone's feeling down here. Or worse yet, get me into my first fight in 6 years. Another big difference in behavior is the walking speed. People really do fucking MOSEY. Man, I just want to get some place, and get there as fast as possible. THESE people are looking at things, and conversing. What's up with THAT?
Actually I have a deep appreciation for such casualness and politeness. It just takes me a couple of days to revert. I should be just fine tomorrow.

Happy VD

2004-02-14T15:45:00.000-05:00

I think B.B. King summed it up quite well when he sang,
"Nobody loves me but my Mama. And even She could be jivin' me too."

2 years ago was actually the ONLY time that one of my relationships synched up with Valentin's Day. And of course, I was with someone who thought the day was dumb and unnecessary. Eh, Coulda been worse.

Anyway, what a dry spell it's been. It's just as well I guess, since I'm trying to save cash, and my apartment is a mess. I mean, I go out plenty, and meet people plenty, but I just can't seem to click with any of them. There's not that "thing" that makes my brain perk up. I need that.

Anyway, I'm also not the kind of person that gets sad when you're alone on Valentine's Day. So, today will go just fine. And I give a hearty slap on the shoulder to all of you out there, having a candle lit dinner and making irritating goo goo eyes with your loved one tonight.

Have fun.

Reality Setting In

2004-02-13T14:04:00.000-05:00

Am I scared? A little. Scared of what? Scared of looking in the mirror. Scared of what people might say. Scared..scared of what I've become.
Unfortunately, I have to come to grips with the fact that I... I like Reality Shows!!!

The one comforting thought, is that I KNOW I'm not the only one. The rest of you are out there. It's just a terrifying thing to admit.
Now, of course the debate is that Reality TV is not "reality" at all. Nobody in real life gets shipped off to an island paradise and gets to pick from a stable of 30 drop dead gorgeous gals/ or guys to marry. When in our hum-drum lives are we going to be put in a position where we have to eat rotten horse eyeballs in order to be handed over a check for $25, 000. But that's not the point. It's the reflex emotions that come OUT of being stuck in those ridiculous situations. Once people get over the fact that for 5 weeks, they're living in a high-rise apt. at the top of Trump Towers, battling for a job with The Donald, that's when their personalities rise to the surface. The bitchiness, the schemeing, the sweety-pies crying for home. I mean, you simply CANNOT NOT be yourself. Not for a month and a half. That's where the shit gets interesting. That's also how long it takes for our jealousy of their dumb luck and golden opportunities to wear off.

Sure, things can go too far. I mean, has anyone seen the previews for The Littlest Groom. Can we say Exploitation?
But for the most part, they're just good clean fun. Here's my list of the winning and the losing formulas.

Winners:
Survivor #1, #2, #4, Allstars
The Real World #'s 1-3
Road Rules #1
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
The Apprentice The Restaurant
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
The Bachelorette
The Mole #1, 2
The Amazing Race
Wild Boyz
Made
Trading Spaces & Changing Rooms
The Osborne's #1
What Not to Wear (UK)
Newlyweds - Nick & Jessica
Punk'd
Jamie Kennedy Experiment
Surf Girls
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
Todd TV
The Simple Life
(now, the "Joes")
Joe Schmoe
Average Joe
Joe Millionaire #1
(now, the America's)
American Chopper
American Idol
America's Next Top Model
(going Old School)
The Dating Game
The Newlywed Game
Candid Camera
Battle of the Network Stars

Losers:
Survivor #'s 3, 5, 6, & 7
Big Brother (all)
The Bachelor
The Surreal Life
Extreme Makeover
For Love or Money
Who Wants to Marry My Dad
Joe Millionaire #2
Paradise Hotel
Boy Meets Boy
Temptation Island
Celebrity Mole
Playing It Straight
Mr. Personality
Love Cruise
All Trading Spaces clones
What Not to Wear (US)
(now, MTV, who have way too many)
The Real World #4 and on Road Rules #2 and on Real World vs Road Rules- any and all
The Osborne's # 2, 3 Till Death Do us Part - Carmen & Dave
Cribs
Rich Girls
Room Raiders
Viva La Bam
One Bad Trip
Dismissed
Wade Robson Project
Sorority Life
Tail Daters

Wow. Compiling that list was much more exhausting and much more depressing than I thought it would be. Oh well, it's done.
Let me know which one's are YOUR favorites.

Good Morning

2004-02-12T12:47:00.000-05:00

You know what I love? I love coming into work in the morning, and being handed a 4 inch stack of papers and reports, and being told, "Look these over. You have a meeting on them in 1/2 an hour."

It's fun to sit down and frantically flip through pages and pages of stuff I'd never laid eyes on before, that have titles like "EnerVision" and "Core Consulting". As the minutes tick away, I see "Key Assumptions", "Scope Summary", and "Phases 1 - 4", and that's when I realize these are freaking RFPs. And not only that, but we're choosing one in 10 minutes, and I've been out of the loop since the start of the project, and therefore am the only one that hasn't caught the company presentations. Wow, what a hoot.

So, as we go around the room, everyone is sharing their opinions about each company. "Well, I really liked what La Placa did with their interface" or "EnerVision seemed to have a real personal touch, but their technicals were a bit limited."
What did *I* have to say?
"Well, I think everyone brings up some interesting points. Maybe we should stop trying to find a company that has the perfect balance of tech, back-end, and marketing, because frankly, I don't think it exists. If we really like someone that has close to the whole package, maybe we should sign them, and then bring another specialist on board who can handle the extras."

One more bullet dodged.

Next week's trip to Texas can't coming soon enough.

In the Interim

2004-02-11T13:27:00.000-05:00

I'll probably post again later (once I get outside and inevitably get pissed off or weirded out by something), but for now, I wanted to put a link to view the Touching The Void trailer. It just gives me the chills, and I am definitely going to see it again either today or over the weekend.
If you want to check it out, just go here, and then click below the photo.

Don't A-Void It

2004-02-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure that I should necessarily sing the praises of Touching the Void. Not because it doesn't deserve it, but because the words amazing and incredible are being used so much to describe the film and the story, that the words are losing meaning.
That being said, Touching the Void, the docu-drama currently out in theatres is amazing & incredible, and also KICKS ASS!

I was seriously thrown by this movie. Shaken.
Monster was a damn good flick based on a true story, but Touching the Void is a whole different beast, or…uh….monster.

The film tells the true story of Simon Yates and Joe Simpson, two solid, if not cocky, mountain climbers, and their disastrous 1985 expedition up the face of the psycho Peruvian mountain known as Siula Grande.
Both Yates & Simpson, young & fit, embarked on a 2 man climb up a mountain face that had never been climbed before. First, they accomplished what nobody ever had (or ever has again)… they hit the summit from the west face.
That was the easy part.
On the way down, Joe toppled off a ridge, landing on his right heel and forcing the lower half of his leg up, through, and passed the UPPER part of his leg. Crippled by pain and injury, he assesed the situation & quickly came to grips with the fact that Simon would be forced to leave him to die. It was simply how things worked. Any climber would know it to be impossible to get either yourself or someone else with a broken leg down a mountain like that. Knowing this, Simon still worked his way down to Joe, settled in, and devised a plan to get them BOTH down.

With two 150 ft. ropes tied together, Simon proceeded to lower Joe down the mountain, 300 ft. at a time. Joe would then secure himself to allow Simon to climb down to him, where & when they would repeat the process. As night fell and in the middle of horrible & blinding snowstorm, Simon unknowingly lowered Joe over an overhanging cliff of ice. Unable to secure himself or to communicate with Simon, Joe was forced to simply hang on the end of the rope. He couldn't climb up, and Simon couldn't climb down. They stayed like that, attached to each other, unable to move, for almost 2 hours. Eventually, Joe resigned himself to freezing to death as he dangled, while Simon started to be pulled off the mountain by Joe's bodyweight. Quickly running scenarios through his head, Simon figured that one person (Joe) was surely dead or close to it, and unless he did something, he (Simon) would be dead as well. So, with not little alternative, but rather NO alternative, Simon took out his pocketknife, and cut the rope.

And No. That's not the end. Not even close. But it IS all I can say about it without taking away from the impact of actually seeing it and hearing it for yourself.

Based on Simpson's International Best Seller of the same name, the film is done in a very unique and creative way that combines documentary style interviews with dramatic reenactments. Now, reenactments are known widely as those lame black & white vignettes on Americas Most Wanted or Unsolved Mysteries, but the ones in this film are in a class all their own, because they're performed by real climbers, on a real mountain, who are really freezing their asses off. The cinematography is jaw-dropping, making you wonder, "How the hell did they get THAT shot?" Combined with the real life voices of Yates & Simpson narrating the scenes, it just fucking pulls you in. It's quite emotional and riveting.

So, am I giving this thing a thumbs-up? What do YOU think?

Bad Lingual

2004-02-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

Anybody that knows me, knows that I'm not one to verbally restrain myself. But, I HAVE been known to bite my tongue.

I don't know what it is, but I have this insanely frequent tendency to bite my tongue. And it's never a big chomp, it's always the very very tip. OUCH! What usually happens is, that one of the itty bitty taste buds (papillae) ends up getting between my choppers as I'm eating. Yes, just ONE.

This is one of most painful things someone can have happen. It's one of those things that shoots a jolting sting, every time you laugh, breathe or even wiggle your toes. And it takes about a week to get back to normal.

Does this happen to anyone else? Is it just me? Am I just really THAT excited to be putting a grilled cheese sandwich in my mouth that I can't allow parts of my body the chance to get out of the way first? What the hell?

Anyway, yeah. I'm going off on this because a couple days ago, I bit the tip of my tongue. Again.

...Darkness Falls

2004-02-05T12:07:00.000-05:00

Nay. Glam be not dead. It doth Live!!!

If you haven't heard, there's a little band from England called the Darkness, and they're taking the planet by storm. What's so cool about the Darkness? Well, how about the fact that they're not models, they can play their instruments, and the members of the band are not opening their own restaurant in Gramercy.
PLUS, they've gone old-school.

These guys not only rock, but they've brought Aqua Net back to the pre-show ritual. Made up of brothers Justin & Dan Hawkins, along with pals Frankie Paullain & Ed Graham, The Darkness has married tongue and cheek, and are now pulling out all the stops on their road to resurrecting shredding guitar solos, shrieking falsettoes, & striped unitards.

With songs like Get Your Hands Off My Woman, Love on the Rocks with No Ice, and How Dare You Call This Love, the Darkness is already in heavy rotation on Radio and MTV. Their major label debut, Permission to Land, has now gone 4 times platinum.

Here's the cover to one of their singles.

I also gotta say that their first video outing, I Believe In a Thing Called Love, is flat out genius. It is as close to perfect as you can get, with the band as the crew of a spaceship that is attacked by an octopus looking alien monster. Other inspired elements include the band battling the monster with lighting that shoots out of their guitars, and a guitar solo by Dan that puts him in front of a literal WALL of Marshal amps. (there must be a couple hundred of them stacked on each other)

They continue to play sold out shows everywhere from the UK to New York. Along with amazing on-stage theatrics, the frontman, Justin Hawkins has also been known to lead the crowd in impassioned chants like this classic one,

Justin: "Give me a D!"
crowd: "D!"
Justin: "Give me an ARKNESS!"

I would tell everyone to pay attention, because these guys are gonna be big, but they already ARE. If you get a chance, check them out. You won't be disappointed. (unless you're lame)

Not That I'm Judging...

2004-02-03T15:25:00.000-05:00

It appears that someone came across my blog by doing a Google search for penis+half+fried+garlic+testicles.

MegaBowl XXXVIII

2004-02-02T12:58:00.000-05:00

by: Sammy Beazer

As televised professional sporting events go, last night's
"Bowl" was pretty Ultra.
Yes, unless you've been living in any and all other countries, and many parts of this one, you care that last night, the longstanding rivalry between the Patriots of New England and the Panthers of Carolina was settled in a fierce match-up known as the NFL's Football Superbowl Showdown.

Now, I am one of the more die-hard NFL football fans you’re gonna come across, so you'd better believe that I brought out my Cheesehead hat and when the 2 squads finally took to the court, I was Tomahawk Chopping like nobody’s business.

The game quickly got off to an exciting start, when at the whistle blow, the first team tried to kick the ball into the other team's goal area, but in an unexpected turn, a player from the other team CAUGHT it and began running in the other direction!! Oh folks, I knew right then & there that we were in for an awesome night of NFL football playing.

The whole game was action packed, as time and time again, players would get the ball and try to run into the goal, but somehow their efforts would be foiled by the other team roughly holding them and pushing them down. As a regular watcher, I've seen this in other NFL football games, but this was intense. Sometimes 3 or 4 men would run after the guy with the ball and then pounce on him. How exciting! This was a super fan's dream, and I was loving every minute of it.

Of course, everyone knows that one of the funnest parts of the Superbowl Showdown is the humorous commercials, and this was no exception. It’s traditional to punctuate each play on the field with one of these witty advertisements, and the folks at the TV station came through with flying colors. One such moment was when an ad came on for a Cadillac car that you can drive in the dessert as fast as you want to. Awesome! And then, that was followed up with a promo for the Hit series, CSI Miami. Oh my, I laughed so hard I thought my sides were gonna hurt. Those commercial makers sure know what we're thinking.

Of course, let's not forget the Half-time extravaganza. This year's show was the best ever! It featured several Emmy winning singers like Kids Rock, Puffy Diddy, and Wacko Jacko's cousin, Janice. Each of these amazing talents got the chance to sing 30 second exerts from their old albums. It was Great! I haven’t cut a rug like that in years.

Anyway, back to the game. It IS my reason for living, after all.
Eventually, both of the teams found their stride and began touching down! Towards the end, it looked like the teams might get tied, but ultimately, New England's Patriots kicked a goal for 3 points, and went on to Win!!
Oh YES, this was one he** of a Superbowl Showdown! I can't wait for 4 years to go by so my friends and I can do it all over again. Wouldn't it be funny if next time, it was the Panthers who beat the PATRIOTS?!

You're Not the Boss of Me

2004-01-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

You know the problem with our office superiors? They're too damn bossy.

They're all unique, but most of them carry those common traits, like being able to deflect blame, or keep you out of the loop accidentally on purpose.

Anyway, in my web travels, I have come across a little website that invites you to vent those frustrations that we've all felt in the workplace at one time or another. It's called DrawYourBoss.com. The idea is simple. You graphically give your best representation of your tormenter and then submit it to the site to be posted, for all to enjoy. The site itself is very no-frills, and there's only a few handfuls of pics so far, but it IS just a couple months old, and the pics are GREAT.

I just submitted one, myself. Check it out. I feel more relaxed Already.

The Mexican/American Dream

2004-01-28T10:45:00.000-05:00

What the hell is up with dreams?? How can they be so vivid, so real feeling, and so freaking bizarre at the same time?

Like my dream last night. That fact that I was married in the dream didn’t seem strange at all. Neither did the fact that I was in Steve Martin’s body. Dreams also have this uncanny ability to turn on a dime in seconds, and our brains never miss a step. For example, in this dream I dreamed...I drempt..I done dreamded... anyway, in this dream, I’m Steve Martin, and I’m making out with my wife in a car, THEN…all of a sudden, I’m myself again, and I’m in bed talking on the phone with my boss!
WHAT THE FUCK????
As if things couldn’t get any stranger, as I’m talking to my boss on the phone, he goes from being on the phone to sitting in a chair next to my bed. Yeah. He’s wearing a suit and facing me, like we’re in a meeting or something. And I’m still in bed having a normal conversation with him. Eventually, I begin to ask him for a raise, and…Enter The Relatives. My mom and my sister come into my room in their pajamas and ask if me and my boss want anything to eat. (is this weird enough, yet) As we’re putting in our breakfast orders, in walks my newly divorced aunt whom I haven’t seen in 5 years, and she starts taking apart the light switch with a screwdriver. - Then my alarm went off.

So…. any takers? How screwed up AM I?

I've decided that since this is one of the few dreams that I actually remembered, I'm gonna submit it to the Dream Dr. I'll let you know when the verdict comes in.

AND Now..... Big..Angry..Ghetto..LADIES!!!

2004-01-27T13:52:00.000-05:00

Big Caribbean lady - "Yoo nid to learn you some Mahnairs!"
Younger chick with baby - "I GOTS my manners, Bitch!"
BCL - "Garls like yoo don have No respect for No ting. You nid to be in da school."
YC w/ B - "You aint my mother"
BCL - "Oh no, If I was your mother I would smack allu dah teet outa your mote"

So, this went on for about 45 minutes, on the subway home from work.
Now, I've caught plenty of scenes like this before, and this one didn't seem all that different. They came close to blows a few times, until some good samaritan or someone simply wanting some peace & quiet would step in and break it up. Then they each got off at different stops, still cursing at each other.

Afterward, I just continued on with my existence. But today I came into work, and as I was mentioning it to a colleague, he told me that he's seen them before and that it's all an act. I was like, "Ww..ww..WHaaAAA???!?!"

I asked him if he meant like theatre, but it turns out that this big Caribbean lady and the younger chick with the baby pull this every once in a while, on various trains, to serve as a distraction for their pick-pocket partners.

I bet it worked like a charm, too. Because we all bought it as real. Anyway, I hope I get to catch the show again some time, because I think I'm gonna join in.

I'll be like "ooohh girl, you gonna take that from her? You should beat her ass. Look how she's disrespectin' you. That's right, I'm talkin' bout you! You better watch yourself! My girl gonna beat you down!"

And if I get mixed up in it, I''l be all "Oh NO, you crazy bitch. What did you just call me?! You better check it, cuz I'm about to go off!"

I haven't decided if I'll keep my tie on or not.

Great Googly Moogly

2004-01-26T12:20:00.000-05:00

Have you ever check out all the different interfaces Google has.

I never really paid much attention until the other day, when I was on the Language Tools page and I scrolled down and saw them all. Different ones for different languages. Most of them look similar to the American one, but there are also some really interesting themes.

The Korean one's got cool little monkeys swingin' on the logo. For the geeks who regularly got wedgies in high school, they've even got one in Esperanto, and for those that got wedgies FROM THE GEEKS, there's one in Klingon.

But my absolute favorite is the Elmer Fudd.

Check out them all out, here.

You Can't Fire Me...

2004-01-23T10:59:00.000-05:00

Smoking Sucks.
So why do I still do it?

I truly do despise it, but I just can't seem to stop. I've quit or tried quitting SEVERAL times, although clearly I didn't do such a great job of it. I WILL say that I don't smoke anywhere near as much as I used to. But I've come to realize that even one per day is already too much.

It defies all logic. You do get a nice feeling upon exhaling the smoke. But Shit, that only lasts 0.08 seconds. I guess that's addiction for you. I've seen people get really upset with smokers. (as if it's there fault)
Do they think that smokers smoke just to annoy everyone else. Or maybe it's because they enjoy spending $40 a week on dry leaves & paper that is proven to ultimately kill them. Oh I Know, I bet they just can't get enough of the stink on their clothes. Is it the idea of being banished from restaurants and office buildings? The yellow teeth?
As a smoker, I can totally say that it sucks, and the world would be a better place if smokers simply stopped smoking. Well, sorry folks, but it just aint that easy. I've tried about 15 different times to quit. I've stopped for as much as 7 months. But eventually, you're at a party or something, and someone lights up. And you're having some wine after an amazing Thai dinner, and this little pulsating light goes off in your head saying,
"Wow. Look at that cigarette. Wouldn't that be a great way to enhance your enjoyment of the evening?" "It's only one. You've done so good for 7 months, one cigarette aint gonna do that much damage."
And you'll fight it for about 11 minutes, the person you've been eyeing will finish their smoke, and the idea will float away. Of course, 20 minutes later, they pull out another one, and then you decide,
"I wont smoke the whole thing. Just half."
So, you ask them for a cigarette, which every smoker on earth HATES being asked, and your girlfriend will drop a few hints about how much it smells and how your killing yourself. You tell her, "I'm only smoking half." She says something about how she won't be kissing you for the rest of the night, and you say "FINE", but eventually you tell her that you won't smoke it. Once she's thoroughly convinced, you tell her that you're going to get another drink, but you make a detour to the fire escape, and... AND...you're a smoker again.

God I hate smoking. But it grabs a hold of you. One of my best friends went on the patch and loved it. Every time I saw him, he'd sing the gospel of the patch. He went through every level and eventually "graduated". So what did he do after finishing all his patches? He started smoking again.
It's freaky, I tell ya.

So, here I am doing one a day, and 8 - 12 when drinking. My winning streak is down the tubes. Luckily, I finished my pack last night, and they're so crazy expensive these days, I might really put forth an effort to not buy another for as long as I can. Maybe it'll be long enough that I just NEVER buy a new one. Well see.
Keep your fingers crossed.

Collisson Course

2004-01-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

Jessica enjoys skiing, reading, & sending multi-million dollar research rovers to Mars.

(Thanks to Dave for the pic)

Down in the Old Western Town...

2004-01-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

Hey, I saw that someone from UTEP visited my blog this morning. Who ever it is, if you come back, say Hi or something.
I'm from EP, too.

Bath Time

2004-01-20T13:48:00.000-05:00

Seeing as how it was the 3rd week of January, I figured it was about time for a bath.
No no, not THAT kinda bath, I mean a visit to the bath house.
No no, not THAT kinda bath house, I mean the Russian/Turkish bath house. The Greatest place on earth.

The Russian/Turkish Bath House is one of the last of it's kind in NY. It's coed now, but it hasn't lost any of it's old school charm. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, I'll describe it.

Sitting just like any old apt. building on E. 10th St., the average passerby would never guess that such a place exists, right in the middle of the East Village. Once you walk in, you are greeted by some gruff voiced Russians behind a counter who mistake you for cattle. They ignore you for about 10 minutes, then throw an ancient looking safe deposit box on the counter for you to put your valuables in. Then if your aren't making an appt. for a massage, they shove a locker key in your hand and wave in you in the direction of the dressing room. All this happens as people in hideous Army green smocks swarm around you as they head upstairs for a massage, downstairs to the baths, or to the main floor to down a few Russian beers.

Once you change into your own odd-shaped, green bed sheet with arm holes cut into it, you head downstairs to the baths. This place rocks. It's not much to look at, and it may feel like the abyss of hell at first, but you gotta give it time.
To the left, you have the Turkish Steam Room, covered in white tile with a single giant shower head coming out of the wall to temporarily ease your pain.
Across from that you've got the Finnish Dry Sauna. This is all cedar with a stack of lava rocks in the corner. Beware the little bald masochist who tends to throw a few drops of cinnamon oil on the rocks. That is one wild ride.
Then on the opposite side, you've got the little Eucalyptus room. This is a small, mild steam room, until the steam hits the huge Eucalyptus bush hanging from the ceiling, that is. This is an excellent room to drive out those chest colds.
At the very end, you've got the Dungeon. The Russian Radiant Room. This is for the hard core. It's a big room with 3 concrete steps going around the inside walls. There is an enormous stone furnace in the corner, and every couple feet on the second step, there a water spout pouring ice cold water into plastic buckets. This room is crazy. It gets to 250F + in there. So, you grab a seat and settle in. I highly recommend the dousing. Every small while, when you think you just can't take it anymore and your face is going to melt off, grab one of the water buckets and throw it over your head. This is one of the most amazing sensations you'll ever experience.

Of course, the circuit is not complete without a plunge in the ice pool. This is a sub zero pool in the middle of everything, surrounded by all the heat rooms. The best thing to do is to sit in one of the heat rooms until death is imminent, then walk out & plunge into the ice pool. LORDY!!! mMMMmm..That's good Torture!

So that's the gist of it al, although there IS a plethora of body treatments and massages you can take your pick of. The most mysterious and coolest to watch is the Oak Leaf Scrub. This muscle bound no-name guy takes you into the Russian Radiant room, lays you down in front of everyone, and takes these Oak Leaf shrubs in soapy water, and proceeds to beat the shit out of you. Wow.

In addition to all the painful and exhilarating features this place has to offer, what's extra cool is the communal vibe. Here, you will find all kinds. Old folks, young folks. Poor, bearded yogis, and rich brokers talking shop. Hot girls in bikinis, old ladies letting it all hang out. I love it. Now, I don't go every week or anything, but I do go as much as I possibly can. Ever since I first spent my birthday there with a bunch of friends a couple of years ago, none of us can seem to pass up an invitation. It's too damn good. After 3.5 hrs, you'll be in heaven. Don't even try to hold a conversation when your getting dressed. That's why they have a handfull of little beds in the dressing room. This was the absolute most perfect way to spend my first weekend off in a month.

So, if you're ever in the city, drop by, and drop some weight.

Oye Como Shop

2004-01-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

I am way psyched. I live way up on the East Side, just below Spanish Harlem. I LOVE my neighborhood. I'm right off Central Park, Museum Rowe, and 3 blocks from the subway. (not to mention the 2 amazing mexican restaurants on Lex.)

But one source of frustration has always been the lack of good markets by me. I have a couple Associated Superettes, that although might have a great array of South American products like Bufalo (Boo-Fah-Low) sauce, and Dulce de Membrillo, they also happen to exist just below the radar of current American health standards. Now now, this is not uncommon in NY, AND is usually happily ignored until somebody comes down with Botchulism. But, still. It's kind of a pain to go all the way to 86th St. when I want good mozzarella or fresh olives. And who has the cash to have it delivered? (although I DO do that on occasion)

But NOW....hooBoy. Last night, I went to the corner where there's normally one of my regular bodegas, and I walked through the doors and right into the Twilight Zone.
I found Clean Floors! Green Lettuce! And Milk, a full 8 days from expiring!

I couldn't believe it. And this was no Gristede's pushing out the Mom & Pop. No Sir. The owners actually invested money in remodeling, restocking AND an electric cash register.

So come one, come all. Share in my delight as I buy you a bag of Cheetos of which only 15% of the cheetos inside are black.

Now what?

2004-01-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

So, the trusty provider of die Comments und der Tagboard, has been indefinitely booted from his server. Meaning, I now have no way get feedback from the 3 people that read my blog. This makes me sad.

But dry those tears. This post will be short but VERY sweet. I will leave you today with a single word, linked to a Most Awesome website. So, Tscuess, and if you must contact me, use my e-mail link.

NINJAS!!!

Soup is Good Food

2004-01-12T15:10:00.000-05:00

But so are these:

BIG Salads
Red Beans & Rice
Sushi Rolls (gimme the spicy tuner)
Pasta of any kind
Mussels
Old School Mac & Cheese
Ice-cold Pineapple
Pecan Pie
'Push-Ups'
Enchiladas
Potato Leek Soup
Horseradish
Tuna Melts
Tomatoes of every size & shape
Menudo
Raisin Bran Muffins
Potato knishes
Gruye Fondue
Blueberry/strawberry/banana/pineapple/protein smoothies
Blue Cheese
Flan
Lobster Bisque
Cucumbers with lemon
Chile con Quezo
All Things Ben & Jerry's
Cheese Blintzes
Deep Southern Barbecue

Red (planet) Rover, Red (planet) Rover, Send NASA Right Over

2004-01-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

Unless you've been living under a bluish, dust-blasted space-rock...well, actually that might make it More likely, I suppose... you know that Los Americanos have finally touched down on the red desert surface of Mars, for the first time, Again.

The $5 million robot, Spirit, kicked off the New Year, by landing on the red planet, unfolding itself, and taking some high definition photos of the planet's terrain. She also (Yes, the scientists think they're being cute by saying the robot’s a girl) ...she also managed to do a great job of looking amazingly like #5 from Short Circuit.
Spirit landing came about a week after Beagle (Europe's Mars rover) went MIA during its entry into the planet's atmosphere. Spirit, on the other hand landed perfectly, inflating a dozen airbags, and bouncing around for about a kilometer, before finding a nice flat spot to put on the brakes. Just like in the Hollywood blockbuster Red Planet. (minus Val Kilmer)

The rover's mission is to collect scientific data that would lead to a conclusion on whether life ever existed or ever WILL exist on Mars. The reason for finding life, no doubt, is because once we find a way to get humans to colonize and populate our mysterious planetary brother, we don't want to have to bring more of our OWN animals to force into extinction. It would also be kinda fun to put a real Hurtin' on some Panzy Alien Mutants. Or ply them with Christmas presents.

Actually, there's no denying that long after I'm gone, and long after my kids are gone, us Earthlings are gonna have to get on up outa here. Our home planet has turned from a posh luxury liner, into a ragged lifeboat, keeping us afloat just long enough to find someone ELSE's yacht to shanghai. It doesn't help that we're slowly creeping ever closer to the sun.

Anyway, Spirit is there, and Opportunity (its twin rover) will soon follow. As will many lame attempts by NASA specialists to be witty. They'll have plenty more 'Opportunities' to talk about the hefty long distance bills that Spirit is racking up when it "calls home" every day, and how they'll have to be paid in Mars dollars. (Yuck Yuck) Somebody get these guys a Sitcom deal.

* The winning vote for the Hottest Chick to send an investigating rover to the surface of Mars goes to...
Jessica Collisson – Integration and Test Engineer for NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratories (sorry, no pics. but, take my word for it.)

A Little Persona Time

2004-01-06T14:25:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I am going to create a persona. An alter-ego, if you will.

Why would I do this? Well, for one thing, it'll make me all the more slippery when dealing with law enforcement. But, there are so many other things you can do. I truly love conducting my own little social experiments and testing public perception. It is for this reason that many people are unable to "get" my sense of humor.

I remember when I was in High School, with the use of sunglasses, I figured out a way to look like I was asleep when I wasn't. So, one thing that I used to do, was to be driving along in my truck, with my best friend in the passenger seat, and she would curl up at the window like she was taking a nap. And I would put my shades on, tilt me head back, open my mouth, all while keeping my eyes on the road. To the average passerby, it looked like we were out cold and the truck was on the Highway to Hell. People would honk their horns, and yell at us to wake up. It was childish, I suppose, but it was also fascinating.

In college, we'd go to restaurants or anywhere that we were not known, and we'd put on Australian accents, and give ourselves these ficticious backstories and then just start talking to people. It was a lot of fun.

I've also had a long fascination for entertainers like Ziggy Stardust/Bowie and GWAR. The ability to slip in and out of public reality, while donning a cloak that to You is so clearly NOT real, is something that I can really appreciate. The question now, is what shall my next social experiment be, and how will I make it a reality.

The only problem is that now that I'm revealing my plans to come up with an alias, when it eventually surfaces, everyone will know that it's me.

Old Dang Song

2004-01-02T13:17:00.000-05:00

Should old aquaintance be forgot, oh woh ooohh ohla la LAAAAAAA...
I suppose the rest of the words aren't that important anyway.

So, it's a new year. Did you all party like it was 1999? I know I did. Meaning, we listened to Shawn Colvin and talked about how this mysterious new Windows OS is supposed to be way better than Windows 98.

Actually, we had a great time. Partied in Fort Greene. It's funny how all of one's friends have these things that they do whenever they cross that line of drunkeness, that lets everyone else know how drunk they are. For instance, I tend to talk VERY loudly without knowing. I also start to do Capoeira (brazilian martial-art) moves. My old roommate from Jersey City, starts breakdancing. Then you've got the friend who curses non-stop, the friend who mumbles, the non-smoker who becomes a chimney, etc...it's quite entertaining. All of these things made an appearance, BTW.

Unfortunately, I had to work the next day. And THAT was painful.

But en fin...
.. here's to the old aquaintances AND to the new ones, God help 'em.

He Works HAAAARD for the Money...

2003-12-28T16:36:00.000-05:00

...So Hard for it, Honey..

This is insanity. I seriously, have scarcely a spare second to post. And YES, it's the weekend. And YES, it's the holidays. And YES, I could use a beer with my friends.
Calgon, you know what to do.

Little Drummer Goy

2003-12-24T11:09:00.000-05:00

So, for the first time in my history, I am stuck in the city, working, unable to be with my family for Christmas. And what does one do in New York on Christmas Eve, when you can't be in Texas with your folks?
Hang out with your Jew friends, of course.

Well, one of them, anyway. Skunkgirl has graciously donated her time this evening, provided that I don't try to convert her.
I haven't mentioned my plan to swap her drink with the traditional virgin's blood at midnight, making her a fully initiated Catholic. And since she will already be drinking yak's blood, I'm expecting that she won't notice the switch.

I AM bummed though, about not getting to go home. The details of my work schedule turning out this way is already a dead horse that has been beaten enough to die a second time. It pisses me off, but I appreciate SG chillin with me, even if she won't set foot in church with me. (she'll instantly burst into flames)
And since I did spend the first day of Chanukah spinning dreidles and drinking beer with her, I figure that this kinda rounds things out.

But seriously folks, I wish all my Jewish friends a Happy Chanukah, along with a Very Merry Christmas to all the Gentile boys and girls.
Happy Festivus, Georgy.

I'm limping-Yes indeed, I'm gimping-Yesiree...

2003-12-19T16:12:00.000-05:00

I am slowly but surely developing a complex about the way I walk.

I remember years ago, when I was in Junior High, I was walking down the street with my older sister, and she said, "Hey, you know, when you walk, it looks like you're walking up a hill." We had a short discussion about what the hell she exactly meant by that, but of course, it went unresolved.
But, in the last few months, I've had other people mention my walking. One friend said, "Dude, why are you limping." I was like, "I'm not." ..." Am I?" Then a couple weeks ago, Skunk Girl, was walking with me to a bar one night, and started stomping real hard with one foot . I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "I'm walking like You."
Who am I, Forrest Gump??

Anyway, in my life, that's enough for me to start worrying about everytime I've ever had to walk anywhere, and how many people must have stared in terror as I hobbled along the sidewalk. Or the old ladies that must have shook their heads, thinking, "oh that poor little boy". Even though, these are the only three people to ever mention anything about my walking, out of the hundreds of thousands that have crossed my path over the years, and even though my sister shouldn't even really count, as she has been known to spout things to me for the sole purposes of aggravating the hell outa me, I still find it necessary to sink into an swirling abyss of Circus Sideshow neurosis.

I now have a completely manufactured theory that I have one leg shorter than the other. And I HATE taking more than 3 steps in any direction as a result. Of course, day to day, I forget which leg is supposed to be the longer one, so I have to guess at which way to overcompensate.

Just as well. I was running short on things to freak-out about. This should last me at least through the month. Feel free to offer up any suggestions, for what to worry about after I get over This.

No thinking required

2003-12-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

Q: Is Natalie Portman the most charming person on the planet?

A: Yes

(Honorable Mention: Owen Wilson)

Taloned Show

2003-12-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

For all that have remained on the edge of their seats, waiting excruciating hour after excruciating hour...
...the bird was removed 2 days ago.
There was a little pow-wow of the 3 non-mysterious tenants of the 4th floor. An arsenal of special tools was compiled, including a shoebox, plastic spatula, and an oven-mitt.
With heads turned, and breath held, our little feathered friend was flipped like a Fat Boy burger, right into the box and was quickly sealed within, by the ill-fitting box top.

Unfortunately, although we can now come and go as free citizens again, the serious questions remain unanswered. How did it get here? Why did it get here? And who the hell lives in 4-B?!?

Play on Words

2003-12-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

This weekend I was lucky enough to catch a performance of the truly excellent off-off-Broadway production, A Very Merry Children's Unauthorized Scientology Pageant.
A friend of mine who is a playwrite, suggested that we, along with some other friends, check out this play that his friend was directing. I'm always up for something new, but I never expected that I'd be so impressed.

The premise is simple AND brilliant. It's basically a satirical attempt to "teach" doubters about Scientology, the very mysterious & secretive religion of the Hollywood A-list. Yeah that's cool enough, but what really puts this thing over the top, is that it juxtaposes the accuracy of the history & teachings with the fact that it is performed completely by kids, in a hilarious "Holiday School Play" setting.

The play follows L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, and the recounting of his truly hard to believe life story. The storytelling is peppered with endearing touches like a recurring theme of everytime L. Ron introduces himself, he is forced to field the question, "What does the 'L' stand for?" or the sweet idea that when Hubbard first attends George Washington University, he is greeted at the door by George Washington saying, "Hi. Welcome to my university."

Another thing that I really liked, was that even though it's obvious that the writer & director are NOT deciples of Scientology, the play does not come right out and say, "Yo. This is cuckoo." They present the teachings almost exactly as they are expressed by Hubbard and other church leaders. And Yes, that's enough to realize on your own, that this is cuckoo.

Want some examples of these beliefs? Here you go.
1) All humans are not really human at all. They are merely old bodies of humans that have now been inhabited by numerous extra-terrestrial souls from another planet.
2) If you pay the appropriate fee, you can be electrically shocked to eventually eliminate all emotion. Because it is emotion that makes you sad.
3) If you are lucky enough to reach the level of 'Clear', you will pay a huge sum of money, be whisked away on a cruise ship and be told the secret of life.

Anyway, this play rocked. It was done in such a clean and fresh way, and the kids (8yrs-12yrs old) were awesome. This thing has been getting great reviews and has now been picked up and will be moving off-Broadway.

It's this kinda foresight and thinking outa-the-box that brings success, right? Exactly as Mr. L. Ron Hubbard was once quoted as saying in Reader's Digest, "The easiest way to become a quick millionaire, is to start your own religion."

Amen to THAT.

Yeah, I Heard

2003-12-15T12:17:00.000-05:00

What's kinda weird is that Saturday night, I was at a holiday party at my friends' house up in the country, where after having stuffed our faces with home-made pie, gotten drunk on Irish Whisky & spiked hot chocolate, and had one hell of drunken jam session, we tipped over head first into a discussion about Bush, Hussein, and how the American election would be affected by what happens in Iraq. Well, whata you know...? We woke up in the morning to some fresh ground coffee and my buddy saying, "Hey, guess what. They just captured Saddam Hussein."

oooWOOOOOooo...That's freaky.

Anyway, the most that one can say about the situation is that it is one Hell of a Big Fucking Deal.
It definitely changes things. But how? and to what extent? I mean, nobody knows. People are saying so many different things. They say attacks might stop, continue, slow down, surge... Really, the truth is that there's no telling.
Personally, I can't imagine that Saddam being captured will lead to attacks stopping or slowing down anytime soon. Now, if he was confirmed dead, that's another thing. But, let's not forget the countless terrorists of other decades, countries, and agendas who have staged considerable acts of aggression for the precise reason that one of their leaders had been imprisoned. So, you never know.

Let's not even attempt to figure out what the hell they're gonna do with him, now that they've got him. Clearly he'll be tried. But where? When? It's always possible that he'll be tried in Iraq, where he could be sentenced to death and killed by his own people, or as I like to say, 'Saddamized'.
Again, it's all up in the air right now. We'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, enough about that, for now.

The West Wing

2003-12-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

Yo, What The Hell?? A day later, that fucking dead bird is still in my hallway.

Fowl Stench

2003-12-11T16:33:00.000-05:00

So, I walk out of my apt. a few hours ago, (have the day off) and what greets just a few steps from my door? One Very dead pigeon.

Yes, I jumped. Yes, I held my breath. I mean, what the hell? It was sitting right there, completely in tact, with feet pointing towards the sky, like a little present left Just for Me. Of course, I do have 3 neighbors, and it WAS closer to the door across the hall, but Still. It was freaking disgusting.

After the initial shock, my grey matter began to pulsate in an effort to invent possible circumstances that would lead to such a discovery.

Sure, the most logical would be that a cat showed it who's boss, and brought it back up to our collective doorstep. But, I don't know of anyone in our building OWNING a cat. Plus, why wouldn't it eat it or something, instead of laying it out like a trophy kill.
Another possibility, is that a jaded lover of someone's (not Mine) set it on that doormat, as some Fatal Attraction sort of gesture. But then, why no note or barbed wire choking the bird?
So, I decided that the most understandable explanation would be that the guy who lives across the hall, (whom I've never seen) regularly poisons pigeons and then carries them around the city in his pockets. And what must have happened, is that this morning, having woken up late for work, he was so rushed in his morning ritual of showering, brushing his teeth, and poisoning a pigeon, that he didn't realize that the bird was not as snuggly stuffed in his pants as it would normally be, and upon running out the door, the bird fell out of his pocket and was left there on the floor, for all of us to enjoy.

Yup, I'm sure that's what happened.

Tough to Swallow

2003-12-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

This is a True Story. Proceed with caution, as it is a bit disturbing.
And by "a bit", I mean, "WAY FUCKING".

In March 2001, in Germany, Bernd-Jergen Brandes asked Armin Meiwes to do something for him. A favor, if you will. Completely captured on video, Brandes walked to the kitchen, dropped his pants, laid his penis on the kitchen table, and told Meiwes, "Slice the thing off now."

Not needing to be asked twice, Meiwes immediately took a knife and began hacking away at it. Unfortunately, the knife that he chose was quite dull, so he left Brandes writhing in agony as he went searching for a sharper one to finish the job. And finish it he did.

Once it was done, a towel was given to Brandes and he plopped down on a chair. Meiwes pulled out a frying pan, tossed in some oil & garlic, and proceeded to cook the cock. Apparently famished from his recent mutilation, Brandes couldn't wait for his half to be perfectly sautéed, so he tried to eat it semi raw.

He eventually went upstairs to die. But, much to his surprise, he DIDN'T. He laid in the bathub for quite some time, not dying. Frustrated, he came back down stairs and told his buddy, who was watching a Disney movie at the time, "If I survive till morning, let's have my testicles for breakfast." Brandes DID eventually expire during the night, and the next day, Meiwes carried him downstairs and sliced him up. Ultimately, he would polish off 66 lbs. of his friend throughout the course of several summer barbecues.

Meiwes is now on trial for Brandes' murder. He was arrested after trying to find himself another willing meal on the internet, with an ad that read, "If you are 18 to 25, you are my boy. Come to me, I'll eat your delicious flesh."
During a search of his home, several recipes were found, including "Breaded Young Man's Liver" and "Penis in Red Wine."

"Average Ho"

2003-12-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

You know you watched it. We ALL did.

Last night, on NBC's latest reality dating show, Average Joe, we saw Melana (pronounced: muh-lay-nuh) Scantlin, (shown above, as Miss Teen Missouri) get swept off her feet by your everyday sweetguy/millionaire that's crazy for her, yet somehow manage to pick the prettyboy tree-stump/wannabe weatherman who lives with his parents. uh...HeLLO??

The idea of the show, was to be opposite from all those "Bachelor" shows. Instead of one beautiful person picking from a stable of 20 other beautiful people, this show would stock IT'S stable with your next-door neighbors.
Experiment: Can a beauty queen find true love in a short, bald, out of shape accountant?
Determination: No

Once this former NFL cheerleader came to grips with her situation, she allowed herself to get to know these "average" guys. But then, in the middle of the process, several male models were thrown into the mix, to see how concrete these earlier bonds actually were. Ultimately, the series finale pitted one of the models against one of the "Joes", leaving Melana to pick.

The model guy's name was Jason, and everything Melana said about him revolved around how gorgeous he was. "What an amazing face", she squeels.
It was excruciating to hear her describe the other guy, Adam, as "Tall, dark & sweet, with a big smile." Uhh..that's quite a compliment there. KINDA.
On their last fantasy dates, Adam bought her a big stuffed puppy, recited a poem that he had written for her, and filled their suite with flowers and personalized gifts. Jason, upon first sitting down to dinner, immediately ordered a double round of drinks, in an effort to "loosen her up". Then while horseback riding, he spent 45 minutes trying to perfectly position their horses so that they could make out. (a little to the right..a little to the left..a little More to the left) Yeah, winning choice Melana.
Ma-LAME-a, is more like it.

It made me think of High School. The Homecoming Queen getting asked out by the guy from the Debate team, who does his homework everynight, works at the grocery store part-time, and goes to visit his grandma at the senior center, but she decides to go to the dance with the football player who can't wait to go to college so that he can be in a frat and get drunk and laid whenever he wants, which is "so kickass!"

This was a pretty good show, despite the grating presence of Kathy Griffin as the host. And the ending was just horrible and makes one totally depressed about the world we live in. I can't even count the number of posts I've seen on Craigslist, and the such, wanting to set Adam up with So & So's daughter, or roommate. Apparently, I'm not the only one who was totally blown away by this finale.

Luckily, The Simple Life comes on tonight. Paris will work her magic, and make all my troubles disappear.

Don't Do that Diddy

2003-12-05T13:29:00.000-05:00

Why Puff? Why are you making me eat my words?

I actually saw myself coming around. I thought, "Hey, Mr. Combs might have a nack for something other than attaining & flashing monster diamonds after all." "He may be a horrible rapper, but at least he's a good producer." "He may have more plasma screen TVs than a human should have, but the man does know what it's like to be poor, too."
I was pleased and even impressed by how you tried (albeit unsuccessfully) to instill a work ethic and understanding in your 6 prodigies, "Da Band". BTW, the singer seems to be the only one with half a brain in the group.
And then, I saw you raising money and training for the NY Marathon. Even saw you run by my apt. And I thought, "Wow, he actually did it."

But just as the hook was embedded firmly in my lip, and you were poised to reel me in, you went on the VH1 Big in '03 Awards. Uuy Yuy Yuy, Puffy. Granted, the show itself was a completely idiotic idea in the first place, but then you proceeded to throw a fit because you weren't getting an award.
"I'm not going on stage unless I get an award."
He buddy, it ceases to be an award if you're MAKING them give it to you. And then you invented a ridiculously lame name for it, too. The "Big Maverick Award". Oh Jeez that's fucking stupid. Of course you also thanked several people, VH1, the fans, & God, for giving you the award. HEY! They DIDN'T give it to you. You demanded it from the show, minutes before stepping on stage!! Dude, you're getting more stupid by the minute.

OK. Fine. I suppose that you're allowed to fall back into the ranks of dumbass celebrities that will never have a clue. You're not hurting anybody. But then you went and did something that was actually COUNTERproductive.
You publicly endorsed AND contributed funds to the Al Sharpton Presidential Campaign!!!

You MORON!

There is No reason in the world that Al Sharpton should have ANY governing position in ANY capacity. NO NO NO NO. And it has NOTHING to do with the "Black Leader" BS. It has nothing to do with his hair (although, you gotta admit...). No, I assure you that my lack of support for his campaign to be the next President of the United States is purely because he sucks so bad. I plan on discussing Al later on, because I'm so perplexed by the strength of his game face, and that he really hasn't crashed and burned yet. But, anyway...

It's a pity, Diddy. Because you ARE strong in business. Your first million WAS the result of your hard work. But damn. I'm having a tough time letting the rest of it slide. And yes, again, I am quite aware that you don't and won't ever know who I am or care. But still...there's my $0.02.

...and He said, "It Is Good."

2003-12-04T10:57:00.000-05:00

On the seventh day, God rested. But, on the very next Monday, after having created the heavens and the earth, he gave unto us the greatest gift of all.

"The Simple Life" Be Thy Name.

I love this show. It brings with it all the joy and happiness of a baby being born, your wedding day, or the first season of the Osborne's.
I totally expected it to be an amusing spectacle, but I never expected THIS.

For those that aren't aware, I'll explain. (oh, and come out of yer cave already)
The Simple Life is a new reality series on FOX. The show's premise places the two sisters of Ritchy Rich, Paris Hilton, daughter of hotel magnate Rick Hilton, & Nicole Richie daughter of ceiling dancer and icon Lionel Richie, in the rural town of Altus, AR, to work on a farm with the Leding family.
The Leding's are hard working country folk, and the 3 generations that live in one house, including Grandma Curly, have opened their heart and home to the girls, mostly for our entertainment. ...and Entertain - it DO!!

They've only aired two episodes so far, but they've already touched me in a deep and profound way. In episode #1, the girls prepare for their trip by stopping by Rodeo Drive to buy shoes and hand bags that are "so totally amazing and country". Then they get to AR, to find that they now own and must drive a Ford pickup truck that has no 'Reverse', and when moving into the house to find that their room has a well in it, Paris (who provides most of the 'foot in mouth' gems) asks, "What's a well for?" Over dinner, Nicole asks if local teens "hang out at Walmart", and Paris asks what Walmart is, and if they sell "Wall Stuff."

I really don't have enough time or space to sing all it's praises, right now. It's just TOO damn good. Like in episode #2, when they get fired from their very first job ever because instead of actually doing work on this guy's dairy farm, they take a dip in his hottub and then go into his house and go to sleep. AWESOME!! I mean, their brains really don't work like normal human brains.

Anyway, it goes without saying that this is now my new favorite show. You should watch it, too. Not just because it's genius, but because God wants you to.

The Clause Come Out

2003-12-03T10:44:00.000-05:00

For a week, John Parise, of WBAB radio, "Long Island's Home of Rock & Roll", (yeah whatever) has been laying the groundwork for what was sure to be a Mighty and Pointless and Mighty Pointless strike against the vicious holiday tradition loving families across Long Island, NY.
John Parise, or JP, is one half of WBAB's morning show, Roger and JP. (you guessed it, the other half is a guy named Roger) We don't need to go into any depth about that, they're simply yet another of those irreverent, stripper worshiping clones that exists in EVERY radio station's drive-time slot.
For the past 5 days, JP has been telling his listening audience that around 7am on Monday morning, they should put down their eggnog, take a break from their caroling, and gather their young children around the radio for a very BIG Christmas related announcement.

Expecting something very cheery and magical, and since our modern society has brought us up to comply with the bidding of anyone in possession of a microphone, WBAB's listeners did exactly as they were told. I can picture the scene right now. Kids and parents all huddled around their Kenwood stereo, waiting for someone in a Reindeer voice announcing a free day at the local arcade or something of the like.
Instead, JP told all the kids to listen closely, and said,

"There is NO Santa Clause. The presents you've been getting, all come from your parents. If you go look under the bed or in the closet, you'll see that I'm telling the truth. Santa is Not Real."

New York jaws, belonging to kids from 1 to 92, instantly dropped. Kids started crying, parents started explaining, and then...the WBAB phones stated ringing.
Now, WBAB has issued an apology, but JP refuses, claiming that it was in the REAL Christmas Spirit and in protest of the social jadedness surrounding the holidays that he did what he did. Yeah right, dumbass. Thanks for fighting the good fight. You really helped. NOT!

You Drive Me Crazy, Ooh-Ooh-ooh

2003-12-01T15:56:00.000-05:00

As someone who has experienced several "uncomfortable" incidents involving automobiles, such as getting picked-up for excessive speeding & hot-doggin' (my fault), driving into a doughnut shop, aptly named, Ken's Doughnuts (my fault), and getting rear-ended by a speeding 18-wheeler that thrust me from a bridge, sending me & my mighty Ford Tempo to meet the flowing river below (NOT my fault), I cannot help but whole-heartedly raise my glass to Mr. Daniel Smith.

See, last month, in Independence, MO., Daniel Smith, 45, found himself involved in a minor traffic "situation".
Upon being issued several citations, Smith proceeded to assert a "copyright" over his name, expecting the police (i.e., the taxpayers) to pay him $500,000 per use for writing his name on the traffic tickets. And if the top cops & their city government didn't cough up the dough in under 10 days, well, that'd be a $1 million late fee please, made payable to one Danny "Brass Balls" Smith.

Dan even refused to take his license back from the officer until he was issued a "receipt," which he pointed out, would earn him another $500,000.

Now, THAT'S what I call a Shrewd Business DEALINGS.

2003-11-27T10:55:00.000-05:00

I Was Just Thinking About This

2003-11-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

Do you believe the liar, who says, "I always lie"?

Whata Buncha Bologna!

2003-11-25T14:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I am very proud to say that my hometown of El Paso, TX has made it into the national spotlight, once again. It's been too long EP.

Growing up on the border of Mexico & Texas, you become accustomed to hearing about the smuggling and attempted smuggling of drugs, guns, & people from one side to the other. Without out a doubt, if your car was ever stolen in El Paso, you could sleep easy knowing that within the hour, your car was safe, sound, sold, and in a thousand little pieces on the southern side of the Rio Grande.

Well, on this passed Friday, November 21, 2003, a Mexican family of 4 put their own little spin on the Black Market Trade. You know how when you go to different countries, they ask you if you have any fruit, vegetables, food, or alcohol to declare? Well, these folks didn't declare nothin'.
And this wasn't a mere handful of lemons stashed under the car seat. (which I HAVE done in my time) Nope. They went ahead and did away with the seat completely, and replaced it with over 700lbs of bologna! They stacked it, taped it, and sat their 2 kids on it.
Yes. They filled their car with bologna, and shaped it into the image of the back seat of a car! Normal, right? None would be the wiser, right? WRONG.

What excuse could you possibly have for smuggling 756 lbs of bologna from Mexico to TX? Well, Dave Letterman came up with 10, last night.

Border Patrol are calling the seizure of the lunchmeat and their deli bandits one of the biggest scores in years. I can imagine their happy faces now, congratulating each other and high fivin', while a mile down the river, pounds of electronics and cocaine quietly become Americano.

In Support of Turkey

2003-11-24T19:32:00.000-05:00

I shall bake a pie.

Yup, I will be spending Turkey Day with my two southern friends. It's something we've done every year for quite some time now. Being from the South, none of us really had any family up here in these parts, so we decided to spend it together. It’s now been several years, and it's become something that I really value. I originally had a performance booked in Chicago for this week, but it got changed around (for various reasons), and I'm definitely thankful that I'll be around after all and won't be missing out on our little tradition.

So, Nevada is cooking the bird, Kentucky is showing up with the Mac & Cheese, and Texas will bring a Macadamia Nut Pie. Also for some reason, every time someone hears about my pie plan, they flip fucking egg rolls. "I can't believe you're baking a pie!" "Are you REALLY gonna make a pie?!''
Big Whoop. Is this news? Hey guys, guess what. It aint no big thang. Yes. I cook, I like to cook, and So What?? Just eat the damn thing and be happy.

Also, I asked my pal SG (who's Jewish, and will be spending the day with her folks) if her fam ate a lot Jewish food on Thanksgiving. And she gave me a look like I was helplessly addicted to legitimate pain medication prescribed by my family doctor with the original intention of treating an old back injury that's been acting up.

Clearly I was way off, but she still failed to convince me that it's such a ridiculous assumption to think that families might incorporate bits of cuisine from their own culture into a holiday dinner. I know mine sure does.

So, what do YOU eat on Thanksgiving? Oyster stuffing? Grits? Challah?
I'm curious.

How About a Little Punch?

2003-11-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

So, I'm having a few drinks with Skunkgirl, (soon, she's gonna get fed up with me calling her that) and we get on the subject of anger, fights, and punching people.

I basically let it be known that I do, in fact, pine for the good ol' days of punching a guy when he's being a total dick. Things are so complicated these days. You never know if you're gonna get sued, or better yet, Shot. It's a real shame, too, because there are so many assholes out there that could really use a good smack.

Now, I'll make it clear that I don't have dreams of walking around the city, decking people left and right. Just those jerks that really deserve it. I'll also make it clear that I HAVEN'T been involved in a physical confrontation that's lead to bodily harm in quite sometime. Maybe not even since high school. (whoops, I just thought of one in college) Also, I never struck anyone that didn't provoke me. "Provoke" would mean, punching ME, spitting on me, severely & aggressively wronging my friends or family, or kicking the shit out of someone younger/weaker/smaller/that didn't deserve it. See, I'm a saint. Ha ha.
But seriously, if these things that I just listed are going on, is it out of line for me to act in a physical way?
AND...are people that DO act in a physical way, in those situations, have an anger problem?

I say, No. I mean nobody's killing or torturing anybody. It's just a reaction that says, "HEY! Stop beating up that little kid!" or "Don't break my car window!"

Again, I am NOT a violent person. I have not been in a REAL fight in many years. I just have these thoughts on occasion, and I'm wondering if I'm the only one.

(also SG reminded me of a time in a bar this summer, when I was GOING to do something, but was stopped. But, even then, I was provoked in one of the ways I described above)

Still Got It

2003-11-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

The Simpsons kick ass. Simple as that.

I think that most people don't even realize that the town of Springfield has been delivering the goods for 17 Years. The show has won 4 Emmies, in addition to Homer's prestigious wins of a Grammy Award as one of the Be Sharps, the First Annual C. Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, and his High School Reunion Awards for most weight gained, most hair lost, most improved odor, and for traveling the least distance.

I love this show. And as creative changes from new writers have spawned many a debate, I say it's still got it. In fact, just a few days ago, I saw an awesome episode where it was discovered that Homer had gotten married in Vegas to some other girl and was never divorced from her. I've already mentioned this to a few friends, but I'll quote an excellent scene anyway.

Homer's at Moe's Tavern looking down in the dumps, and Lenny says, "Hey Homer, I always thought that a man with two wives would be HAPPY." To which Carl replies, "Naw, you're thinking of a man with two KNIVES."
Then they cut to Moe who's holding a big butcher-knife in each hand, and he says to the camera, "I gotta tell ya, this IS pretty terrific."
Oh SHIT, That's hilarious. As is the PowerSauce Challenge, the Monorail song, and anything having to do with Rainier Wolfcastle or Duffman. And if you don't think so, well, there's no hope.

This post is dedicated to my Austin, TX roommates, Kelly, Sarah, and our doggies, Zoe & Java. (I know you're with me on this)

I Did It Myyyyyyy Waaaaayyyy

2003-11-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

This bums me out. I really like my little title graphic over here, but of course it looks totally different on my work computer. These things happen. You spend some time thinking that your doing something cool, and then one day you check it, and it's all out of wack. Then you realize that you took a major shortcut to get to the end result, and now you're paying the price for not doing it the right way the FIRST time.
Oh well, it's a work in progress. Just like *I* am.

Wordify

2003-11-19T14:42:00.000-05:00

I randomly picked a word out of the dictionary.

Flummox • \FLUH-muks\

I've always been annoyed at how people butcher the english language. You've got your Mike Tyson's saying things like "the pressure of this sport is very intensive." and your George Bushes saying, "...we want it (America) to be— a hopefuller country."

So, I thought let's see how we can misuse the word 'Flummox'. Why not post a comment using it in a sentence or two, and see how many ways we can use it. If you don't know what it means, all the better. If you do, try to forget it. I'll post the actual definition sometime later tonight or tomorrow.

Flocking Together

2003-11-19T12:34:00.000-05:00

(an actual exchange witnessed by me)

Setting:
Post office on the Lower East Side of Manhattan
Characters:
Man (customer; trench-coat, hat, thick glasses, mid 60's)
Clerk (behind counter; uniform, heavy set, 6'2'', mid 30’s)
Jimmy (2nd employee; uniform, short & stocky, late 20’s)

Man: Hi. I'd like to buy a stamp.
Clerk: What kinda stamp do you wanna buy?
Man: I'm looking for a special one. One that has an Albatross on it.
Clerk: Albatross? What the hell is an Albatross?
Man: Well, it's a kinda..(cut off)
Clerk: Hey, JimmAY! You eva heard of an Albatross?
Jimmy: Nah.
Man: (ahem) Well, it's a kind of bird.
Clerk:Bird? Hey, JimmAY! He says it's a bird?
Jimmy: Oh yeah. A bird. One of those BIG birds, right?
Man: Well, yes. It's big.
Clerk: Whatasit look like?
Jimmy: You know, man. You've seen 'em. It's like prehistoric. Like a Teradactyl.
Clerk: OOOh yeah. I seen 'em. Albatross, right?
Man: No no. It's a SEA bird? In Alaska. It's an endangered species.
Clerk: Endangered Species? Whatas THAT mean?
Jimmy: Oh, I know. It means that if you're like in Alaska, right, and you see one, you can't shoot 'em or anything. Means you can't shoot 'em, right?
Man: Well, yes, it's against the law.
Clerk: In Alaska, right? But whatif you see 'em here? THEN can you shoot 'em?
Jimmy: Oh Sure. Here, you can shoot as many as you want.

Come On, Kill The Noise

2003-11-18T12:44:00.000-05:00

I'm dying. Seriously. Agnes the Assistant, who's desk sits right outside my office, (and is quite a nice lady) is suckin' on some kinda cough-drop or Jolly Rancher thing, and It's Fucking Driving Me NUTS! She does it every day!

This has been a pet peeve of mine for years. Any kind of mouth noise from eating or chewing hurtles me into flip-out mode.
'Mnchk nylk nyahckl'. 'Smack smack smack' Oh My God, it's burrowing into my brain, like those little alien slug creatures from Star Trek II-The Wrath Of Kahn. (who's musical score, incidentally, was composed by James Horner. Not to be mistaken with ERIC Horner from a previous post of mine)

Anyway, don't people get it? I mean, I don't want to hear your chewing. I can't concentrate while that shit is going on. I've never understood, why some people find it so difficult to simply Close yer Mouth when yer eating something. Hey, guess what... It aint that hard. Unfortunately, it might soon be a federally protected action. Yes, much like the Americans with Disabilities Act, there has been an enthusiastic push for the Americans with No Abilities Act, and an Americans with Really Annoying Habits Act.

Oh jeez, it's gettin' louder. Big, long, squeaky, styrofoamy, nails on a chalkboardy sucking sounds!

KAAAAAAAAAAHHNNNNN!!!!!!

Time to Move

2003-11-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

Something strange happened in NYC yesterday. Actually, in Queens. At 117-04 Van Wyck Expwy to be perfectly precise. Carl Reid, who lives at 117-04, was woken up early yesterday morning, to find that a car had driven into his livingroom.

Yes, this is kinda strange. But what's REALLY strange, is that since 1984, when he moved in, Carl has been startled from his bed 6 different times by cars driving into his house.

Ol' Carl even admits that the the person who sold him the house had let him know that shortly beforehand, a truck had plowed into the livingroom. He dismissed it as weird luck. Well, he had No Idea how weird it would get.

It's really become routine for him. He says, "This one was pretty bad. I usually just pick up my collapsed fence, and carry on."

Well, as long as he's cool with it. If it were me, I'd have packed my bags after the 3rd time.

Take this Job, and Love It

2003-11-17T10:22:00.000-05:00

People think that you report to work everyday for the purpose of earning money to pay for things we need and enjoy. But I believe that jobs exist mostly for the purpose of stressing us out until we eventually die from it.

For the passed couple of weeks one of the programs that I manage (I'm in mrktg) has been going down hill. Or at least, it WAS. Now, it's in full crisis. And there is nothing more frustrating than being "responsible" for something that you can't actually control. This program, which can at least partially, sit under the umbrella of Development, is really measured by performance, NOT effort. Meaning you can bust your ass and still risk seeing less than stellar results. Which is the situation we are in now. And as I am the manager and not exactly part of that particular staff, there is only so much that I can do, short of firing people. (which is an inevitability) But, even though I'm not the one performing those particular duties, it still reflects fully and totally on ME. So...what the fuck?

I really was trying to figure out how I could not come in today, just because I dread possibly running into one of my higher-ups, and having them ask me how things are going. But, alas, here I am. Escaping things temporarily by posting on my blog.

And to whoever is in the IT Dept. right now, monitoring my internet usage...Hi there. Don't worry, I'm getting back to work right now.

Exit the Matrix

2003-11-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

(very mild spoilers follow)

The Matrix is full of questions, but after 3 movies, one thing is pretty clear. From the looks of the sweater situation, there appears to be a huge shortage of cedar chips in Zion. Either that, or there are a lot of pointy things in the Machine world that you can get snagged on. I don't think that there was one sweater without a hole in it.

Yup, I just saw Revolutions yesterday. The most I can say is that it was an entertaining flick. Whereas the FIRST Matrix was jaw-droppingly Awesome, this was "entertaining". And by "entertaining", I mean that I made the most of the experience by finding that it was chock full of unintentional humor. Like the ship pilot who kept saying, "You're out of your goddam mind" over and over again. Or Agent Smith giving a textbook diabolical laugh ala "mMWhaa haa ha ha mmwaaha ha ha".

The other stuff was bound to happen, I suppose. They were gonna change Oracle ladies. Agent Smith's partner was gonna be around less & less and eventually disappear. "Miiiissster Aaanderson" was gonna be said one too many times.

I will add that those APUs (the big robot things that the guys would sit in and control with joysticks) were AWESOME. So was the shaved head chick with the rocket launcher. There was also a really freaky moment when, in a scene where the officers were meeting with the council, I realized that one of the councilors, councilor West, looked EXACTLY like this bum named City, who lives outside my building. Talk about weird.

Anyway, I think that's about all I can say without giving up some REAL spoilers. Although, I do want to leave you with one example of the great Oracle's boundless wisdom from Matrix III.

"Well I went and did something. I wasn't sure if I should have been doing what I decided to do. But I did it anyway. And I guess I was right to do what I did because here I am. "

Maladjusted

2003-11-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

I recently let somebody who was staying here use my computer, (long story. I rent out one of the extra rooms in my apt.) and now, a bunch of my preferences have been adjusted.

When I click the scroll bar, it automatically scrolls all the way to the bottom. Windows that I open are now missing the bar at the bottom that shows you the loading progress.
This really irks me. And I'm not really in the mood to be investigating how to switch things back, right now. So, who knows how long my lazy ass is gonna have to put up with this.
I'm so perturbed.

Chicken McNuggets & A Big Smack

2003-11-14T11:56:00.000-05:00

Most folks who know me, know that although I can tolerate most things (surprising, right?) there is one thing that just aint allowed. It goes beyond rags that pretend to be newspapers. It goes beyond self-absorbed politicians. It goes beyond 2 nice people having an online argument about patriotic songs.

This one thing, that succeeds in drawing every ounce of wrath from within my being, is the truly disgusting spectacle of somone on the subway eating McDonalds take out. This is the thing. I simply can't handle it. The smell, the sight, the total disregard for the people around them...Not Good.

Most of the time when I'm waiting for a train, and I see that bag, that white paper bag with the yellow & red graphics, I make sure to walk all the way to the other end of the platform to ensure that I will not be in the same car. Nope, it doesn't always work. I've been flanked several times, leaving me unable to create an adequate buffer. That's tough. Especially since even at my best, I can only hold my breath for a little over a minute.

Yesterday was the worst. I was heading downtown to meet up with a couple of friends for dinner. I went in the station, down the steps, out to the platform, and struck a pose. There were a lot of people waiting, but no sign of Mayor McCheese. We all waited for a while, but the 6 eventually pulled up. Of course, our collective heart sank when even before the doors opened, you could see that the train was packed like an overnight bag. I managed to squeeze in and wrap a fist around one of the metal poles. Everyone was pushed up against each other with lots of elbows and backpacks.

And then, what the hell happens, right there, inches from my face??? This woman reaches down towards the ground and pulls up a white paper bag with yellow & red graphics.
I just about died! She started munching on fries, then a chicken sandwich, she even opened up the ketchup! My God! I'm having a tough time even writing about it. I really thought I was gonna puke.
I mean it's on thing to be sitting across form me, where I can grumble to myself and be quietly grossed out. But to be right up in my face, where I am completely at the mercy of an over stuffed subway car with no possible escape. It's just a tad much.
A BIG Fuckin' Tad!!

Eventually, I made it to Union Square, the doors opened, we all piled out, and I took a big long whiff of wonderful fresh NY train tunnel air.
So, the moral of the story is this: Please people, if your gonna go the way of the Hamburgler, keep it at home with your porn, because one of these days, I'm gonna snap. I'm gonna get angry, and "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry".

[NOTE: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry", used courtesy of The Hulk and Universal Pictures, Inc.]

Big Edit

2003-11-12T18:20:00.000-05:00

I removed my most recent post, because it was totally unnecessary. I wrote it in my last couple of minutes at work, and I got progressively more heated from my own momentum. Then posted it, and couldn't take a look at it again until I got home just now. The problem with blogs is that unlike actual face to face discussions, it's hard to go off on tangents. You end up somewhere, and think, "now, how the hell did I get way over here?" Plus, it stays up, for everyone to see.

Anyway, Ron Tremper was quite cordial with me. My points about the masses attaching themselves to one exaggerated symbol of whatever they want to believe in, was made already, in my previous post.

That's about it. I'm done.

Who's Saving Jessica Lynch NOW?

2003-11-12T12:02:00.000-05:00

This girl is gonna be a pile of mush by the end of the year. Last week, her people (yup, she's got "people" now) put her in a black dress & crutches and sent her out to walk the red carpet at a movie premier. Uuumm..HELLO???

(oh, and before we go any further...the rest of this entry reflects my Own PERSONAL Pissed Off opinions. If you can't handle that, or you're gonna get in a tizzy because rolling my eyes at Bush/Iraq inspired made-for-TV-movies is downright Unpatriotic, then Please Leave)

Ok, back to Ms. Lynch. I feel sorry for this girl and I am also getting progressively more nauseous by the situation. Not because it's a "Story of Freedom", not because she's a Hero who stood up to evil sadistic madmen in a foreign land, but because we're being TOLD that that's what it is. Love Jessi Lynch, because Dianne Sawyer says so.

Several papers originally reported that Jessica Lynch (who apparently is the only person to have fought in Iraq) was captured and tortured and that she went down only after being riddled with bullets, stabbed, and after she used her Army Issued to take out a half dozen Iraqi, Stars n' Stripes hatin' pigs in the process.
Not until someone actually asked the girl herself, did they find out that, "My gun jammed before I could fire a single round. I never killed anyone, and I was neither shot nor stabbed."

We also have the book coming out that clearly states that Jessica Lynch was brutally raped by her captors. Just as clearly, the author has been quoted as saying, "Fortunately for Jessica, she has no recollection of the rape."
Hmmm...that IS fortunate.
I see now. The girl don't remember a thing about being raped, yet the one time reporter who was politely asked to leave his job for reasons of unethical reporting practices, seems to know the whole story?? Not to mention that the 5 million doctors that have poked and prodded her since her rescue have found no physical evidence either. Oh, but Best Sellers list, here we come!!

And let's not forget Eric Horner. What's that? Who's Eric Horner? Well, he's the guy that recorded Freedom Rings, which includes the Hit single, She Is A Hero.
He's got a reciprocal link to Jessica-Lynch.com, where you can discuss all things Jessica, and see a picture of her when she played little league. That pic is right above the pic of her getting rescued. She's on a stretcher, covered with a blanket? Nah. Somebody's wool coat? Nope. An American Flag! I'm so glad that they had one handy.

Anyway, like I said, this aint her fault. From what I've seen, she's put forth an effort to set things straight. I'm just not sure that we want to listen. (by "we" I mean the Media. I just hate saying "the Media")

Ok, so let's all stay tuned for Jessica's talk show, Jessi Speaks, and the new upcoming WB sitcom, Private Lynch in Da Howse, the story of a rescued POW who must balance inheriting a candy factory with being the housemother to a rambunctious high-school basketball team.
Oooohh, the WB. Why you so good to me?

Lip Lock-Out

2003-11-10T15:34:00.000-05:00

Well, Moscow city officials finally have their priorities in order. They're licking their lips as they work to pass ground-breaking legislation that will finally make it illegal for couples to kiss in public. In some cases, boyfriend & girlfriend, husband & wife, grandma & gandpa, could even find themselves in prison. This is REAL.

Yup. Kiss your rights a-buh-bye. Conservative leaders feel that public displays of affection are not only immoral, but more importantly, could do irreparable damage to their people's image as coldhearted emotionless automatons.

Local Russian person, Vladamir "Skippy" Cunningham is quoted, "What will the rest of the world think when they see our happily wedded men & women all kissy kissy in the open fish market?? Yaakof Smirnoff was bad enough, but now, with our citizens publicly showing that we do in fact, have hearts, our much valued ice-robot persona will be lost forever. It's a shame...a real shame."

When legislation supporters, Alan & Bernie Freshchenko, were interviewed, Big Al had this to say, "I think it's pretty ridiculous. Look, we were raised as vodka swillin', tundra-stompin' hard-asses. The whole world knows us as vodka swillin', tundra-stompin' hard-asses. If it gets out that I actually have a deep love for my wife & family, and that Russians in general are a very caring and passionate people, it could permanently damage the whole global perception. I mean, what's next, public crying? Please!"

As leading conservatives are puckering up for a victory, there is no shortage of objecting masses.

"We will not have our rights taken from us!" one protester yelled out. "It's too damn cold over here. Now they want to take away our second favorite way of keeping warm!"

This issue is still in its early stages, so it is unsure if next year, officials will let the Russians kiss as freely as the French kiss. Rest assured, I will stay on this story and let you all know how the Russian people make out.

Let's hear it for Ultra-Violence!!!

2003-11-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

And let's hear it for Quinton Tarrantino who puts the "Ultra" in "Ultraviolence" He also put the "Violence" in it.

I just saw Kill Bill. I don't remember ever in my entire life seeing sooo much blood. And this wasn't just blood. It wasn't in a puddle under a dead body or anything.
No, No. This was shooting, Squirting, GUSHING blood! Spurting forth from necks that had just half-seconds before been connected to heads.
We're talkin' serious Blood Flood. But definitely, nothing to get too revved up about.
Actually, one of the more awesome parts of the flick was when a flashback was conducted in Anime. (or as we used to call it 5 years ago, Japanimation) This section alone is worth the $10 ticket.

Is this the greatest movie in the world? That question answers itself. But, I will say this...Tarantino has not lost it. He set out to do something, and he succeeded. And it's possible that part of what he set out to do, was to make up for Jackie Brown.

Office Theatre

2003-11-06T15:39:00.000-05:00

This shit is draining me.

Everytime I leave the warm sanctuary of my office, I become consumed by the fear that as I walk down the hall, there will be a coworker coming the other direction. Why? Because then, we have to pretend that we're friends for 0.84 minutes. Even if I have no clue what their name is, what department they're in, or what they do.

The eyebrow raise has become the staple move. Oh fuck, and when you pass by each other in the hall 5 or 6 times a day, you have to keep raising those eye brows, every fucking time...uy yuy yuy. It's brutal.

How about when you see each other beginning the long trek from opposite ends of the hall and it takes like 28 seconds to pass by each other? Ahhhh!!! You have to go through this whole damn routine.

1) look at the floor
2) check your watch
3) look at the floor again
4) pretend that you're thinking of something
5) look up to see if they're looking at you yet
6) If not, look at the floor again
7) If yes, half smile and decide if you're gonna say, "Hey", or "How ya doin'?"
8) Say, "Hey" or "How ya doin'?"
9) Thank the lord that it's finally over

And God forbid you don't say anything, or don't do the eye brow raise. Then you're on the shit list. One guy makes it a point to not make eye contact anymore, because the other day, I missed my cue to cheerily say " Mornin' ". And one time, I saw a girl on the subway that I had a pretty decent rapport with, and I was listening to my headphones at the time, so I continued listening and didn't say Hi. Oh shit. Big mistake. We're like enemies now. When ever she sees me, she takes off in the other direction.
What the hell? Is it THAT big of a deal. Chill out people. I'm friendly. I'm a nice guy. I just don't feel the need to to pretend that we're laughing at some inside joke between us, everytime I see you.

That don't make me a jerk. Jeez, I sure hope you don't end up being my Secret Santa.

KB Phone Home

2003-11-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

Wow. I just remembered my phone # from when I was a kid.
584-7334.
Weird, it just randomly popped into my head.

Ragtime

2003-11-06T10:16:00.000-05:00

The question is this: Is the NY Post stupid and bias enough to produce mild entertainment or so stupid and so bias that it only incites maddening rage?

I'll admit it. I've read the Post. Why? Because, it's $0.25, I can read it in it's entirety during my morning commute, and it's so far removed from reality that it feels like 20K Leagues Under the Sea.

But, more often than not, I spend most of my subway ride fuming in my seat. I mean, this shit aint just bad...it's Nancy Kerrigan hosting SNL bad.

Oh, and it's this "writer" Steve Dunleavy, who is the absolute worst. I mean, MY GOD. If I had to see him refer to John Walker Lynd as "the Rat" one more time....
whether he was a rat or not, should this be in the newspaper???

Now we have this guy, Douglas Montero writing about lynching the captain of the SI Ferry. LYNCHING??? Jesus Christ! He actually cornered the guy on the subway and had his kid daughter ask the guy if he "enjoyed" getting all this attention from having his ferry crash, killing 10 people, and avoiding interviews for 2 weeks.
"Do you like this?" is the actual quote. Come on. Is this a joke? I guess not, but this guy Montero sure is.

Anyway, I know that I have the choice of not reading this garbage. And I know that it has the right to exist and be available to the masses. But, the fact that it sits so smugly under the guise of being a "newspaper" just drives me fucking nuts!!

And don't worry. I DO read other things, too. The Times, the Journal, and some Choose Your Own Adventure books.

Vote? This isn't the line for Jay-Z tickets??

2003-11-05T15:11:00.000-05:00

Interesting day, yesterday. Election Day.

Every so often, we are confronted with the obligation to squeeze into what looks like an upholstered shower stall, turn some knobs, push some buttons, and then forget about what we did in there, until next year when we do it all again.

Why do we forget? Because the guys we vote for promptly drop out of sight once they're elected. I mean, really, you're regularly signing over portions of your future to complete strangers. We don't know who they are, where they're from, what their qualifications are, and their names are only familiar around campaign time.

Now, I AM generalizing a bit. Many many New Yorkers know who Gifford Miller is. But do they know who Phil Reed is? They know Gale Brewer. But what about James Oddo. Nope. The reason that any city dweller with a pulse knows what Alan Gerson looks like, is because the guy is always out doing shit. For crying out loud, his campaign office was in the heart of the East Village and the front wall was all one big window!!
I mean, on any given Friday night, I could be happily hopping along from bar to bar, and right there, behind a simple pane of glass, would be good ol' Gerson, leanin' back in his ergonomic swivel chair. Like he was museum exhibit or something. But, he doesn't stop at campaigning. He seems to pop up everywhere. He's always on some committee or some board of directors. In fact, the reason I first met him, was because he was serving as one of the main planning forces behind a new Folk Music Museum.

But, this aint about Alan Gerson. This is about him and everyone else. Elected officials. Voters. Constituents. Elections. Most of my friends are what I would call "politically aware". But, I know many others who have had it drilled into their heads for so long to Rock The Vote, that they forgot why. And the recipients of these votes aint exactly helping much.

Can you believe that although I've known for some time that Phillip Reed was a council member, it wasn't until recently that I found out that he was MY council member?!?!? Now, I will definitely share some of the blame on this. But, I would also think that if he ever showed his face around the hood, are initiated some news worthy programs, I would have no choice BUT to know that he's my council member.

Sure, if you do some investigating you can find e-mail addresses or phone #'s, but look around Bensenhurst, or Woodhaven, or Spanish Harlem, and take a guess at how many families have the City Council website on their Favorites list.

Come on guys. You're representing our district. Let's get to know you. What are you doin' with my vote, my money, my trust. How are you protecting me? How are you helping me? I don't even know how tall you are or what your voice sounds like.

Anyway, some time ago, after the Mr. Reed. revelation, I did some research and ultimately felt comfortable voting for him. But this year, I garauntee, I WILL know him. And oh, he will Definitely know ME.

Do some recreational voting here.

The Birds, the Bees, & Cybill Shepherd

2003-11-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

I just had an interesting IM discussion with a friend of mine (she who likes smelling skunks) about our respective introductions to our own sexual awareness.

As for me, I never had "the talk" with my folks. Once, when I was 13 or so, my dad took me aside and told me, "if you're doing something, or Thinking about doing something....don't do it." And that was the extent of it.

The rest was learned mostly from magazines and such that made the rounds from locker to locker at the all-boy Catholic school I went to. There WAS the one day when Brother Lester came into our classroom and gave us a lecture that was basically the same thing that my dad had told me years earlier, but this was longer and much more detailed. Plus, he offered justification. What was it? Well, the fact that you're "killing millions of babies everytime you whack off."
Yeah. His ACTUAL words.

Other than that, I managed to stumble my way through the woods and emerge a relatively sane and healthy sexual being. But, the question that was presented to me by Skunk Girl was this: "when?"

When did things start for me? Well, I'd have to say I was around 11 (ish). I had a couple of hefty crushes on Cybill Shepherd and Vanna White. I remember one day, my mom found pictures of them in my closet. She wasn't too pleased. It's funny, because the pictures were totally tame. I think that the one of Cybill Shepherd was a Loreal ad from one of my mom's issues of Good Houskeeping. And I KNOW that the Vanna White picture was an autographed headshot from the day that she cut the ribbon at the Grand Opening of Sundland Park Mall.

Anyway, it was those 2 women, and those 2 pictures, that ultimately made a man out of me.

the End

Puff the Magic Black Man

2003-11-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

Is it possible that I've been seduced by Diddy?

To be honest, I never really HATED the guy. It was more that mutual respect that one has for an archnemesis. I knew that he had started with little, and worked his way up in life, due to nothing less than a lot of sweat and extreme determination. I admired that. But, I could never respect what he did musically. In fact, it made me ill.
Biggy? Big Talent. Puffy? Not so much.

I mean, come on. Taking 2 of the worlds most celebrated rock songs, Zepplin's Kashmir, and the Police's Every Breath You Take, and butchering them by covering them up with overly dramatic and utterly cheezy, No Flow, rhyming. Sorry, Puff. DMC you AINT.
I wont even start on his "fashion line" or the fact that he feels the need to display his ridiculous dance moves on every band's video that's released by his label.

But then, I saw Making the Band II. He gave 6 talented kids from deep in the urban, a chance of the lifetime. The chance for an actual record deal, and to tour the world. I thought to myself, "Here we go. Initiate puking in T-minus 10...9..8..7.."
But, wow. The second that these kids started taking things for granted by spending money they didn't yet have, arguing for creative control with some of the best producers in music, and fighting and thrashing a posh pad in Manhattan, Puffy totally came through. He did not turn a blind eye. He made them work. And they whined and they cried, but he let them know what it takes to be successful. He drilled it into them. I was impressed. Even after he named the new group Da Band, I cringed, but it eventual faded.

Then I caught Diddy Runs the City. P-Diddy had announced that he would be running in the New York City Marathon to raise money for public school programs. I thought to myself, "Here we go. Initiate puking in T-minus 10..9..8..7.." But then the guy actually trained. He actually did fundraising. He ran till he couldn't run no more. When he partied too hard and skipped his workout, he got bitched out by the world class trainers that he hired. When he needed to raise money, he called Bloomberg personally and got $10k out of him, he got Busta Rhymes to donate $20k by putting him on the spot during a national radio interview, he went around his office and made his staff throw in, he actually grabbed a plastic bag and walked around Times Square getting tourists to pitch in $4, $1, $9.

Yes, yes, I know. Nike made him his own shoe. He ran in a special facility in Europe. And the rest of the time, he was riding around in his jet, zipping through his office on a Segway Scooter, or techno ravin' in Monaco. But....hey, he's Puff. I can't be nitpicky here.

So, am I sold on Sean Combs? Not sure yet. But, every day, he chips away a little more at the wall I've built to protect me from commercial saturation and the pop stars behind it. So, kudos. Puff Daddy. You have my support. Even though you have no clue who I am, and my opinion matters to you about as much your last bar tab.

Impales in Comparison

2003-10-31T13:17:00.000-05:00

Vlad Tzepes was a crusader and a prince. In his time, he was known as being a zealot when it came to honesty and order.

Somewhere along the line, he decided, "Hey, I think I'll imortalize myself in history as being one of the most disturbed freaks of all time."

Well, he didn't really "decide" it. It just kinda happened. Ultimately, he was known by the full name, Vlad Tzepes Draculya. Because his dad's name was Vlad, he was in the Order of the Dragons (Dracul) and he happened to enjoy the act of impaling (Tzepes). So, you know, it made sense.

He got his start in impaling, by taking revenge on the people that killed his father (Big Vlad) and his brother (Mircea). On Easter Sunday, he invited all the responsible parties to his house for a feast. After dinner...he impaled them.

He was a stern and trustworthy leader, but you could rest assured that if you broke one his laws, a long sharp stick was gonna get shoved up your ass and out your mouth.

Yup, this boy sure loved his impaling. But he did have other hobbies, too. For example he skinned people alive, dunked them in boiling oil, chopped off their ears and toes...sometimes, instead of dealing with the whole body being stuck up on a stick, he'd chop yer head off and impale THAT.

Why.. I remember one funny story, when good ol' Vlady, who hated all poor people and vagrants, invited a bunch of these dregs of society up to the castle for a big night of food & booze. Once everyone was pretty stuffed and drunk, and loungin' around, our boy, the Count, boarded up all the doors & windows and set the place on fire.

Pretty funny, right. No? Oh. Funny.. but not FUNNY funny, right?

Anyway, at some point, he started wearing tuxedos and slicking his hair back. He tends to keep to himself during the day, but he's quite the party animal at night. He sure has a way with the ladies, too. I think I'm on to his secret, though. He has no problem maintaining that waistline, because the guy don't eat! I swear I've never seen him take as much as one bite of a turkey sandwich or peach cobbler. I'm sure he's gotta be sneaking some stuff in his room, though. Because, a person just can't live like that. Right?

The Belly of the Beasties

2003-10-30T11:39:00.000-05:00

I recently dusted off my copy of Paul's Boutique. Yo, that shit is good. I wonder why I haven't listend to it in so long. Probably because I OD'd on it last time. One thing that is so cool about the Beastie Boys, in addition to everything else, is that they never abandoned the old school flow. They've evolved and gotten better & tighter, but they're still kickin the old rope. Which I think is awesome.

"Which came first the chicken or the egg
I egged the chicken then I ate his leg"
-MCA

"Expanding the horizons and expanding the parameters
Expanding the rhymes of sucker M.C. amateurs
Naugels, Isaac Newton A Scientific E.Z.
A Ben Franklin with the kite a getting over with the key"
-Mike D, King Adrock, MCA

* By the way, has anyone noticed that the cafe on Stanton and Ludlow, where they took the cover photo way back when, has gone ahead and changed their name to Paul's Boutique. Kinda funny.

Oh, I Think You Need All That Bass

2003-10-29T17:06:00.000-05:00

So, I got me a call late Monday night, to play bass for my buddy, late Wednesday night. I accepted. Since I'm so tied up with guitar and my own band, I don't play bass a whole hell of a lot. But I always have fun playing with this guy. I love laying the lows. You can get nice and bumpy with it. The only caveat is the blister. I play bass on stage about twice a year, so my hands are not used to it. And when I do play, I really dig in my heels, so my fingers usually are the ones that take the punishment.
This gig was particularly cool, for no particular reason. (The set itself was fun as hell) On the other hand, the gig was also particularly shitty for several particular reasons.

1) The venue, now under new management, pushed my friend's set back 2 hours. (after bumping him entirely, the previous week)

2) The "music" we had to endure while we drank our non-free beers, deserves to be typed in "quotes".

Since this is my Blog. I reserve the right to vent. And vent, I shall.

The NYC music scene SUCKS. SUCKS BIG TIME. (the Local scene, anyway)
I am sick of venues preceding every conversation with "We need acts that can draw at least 20 people." Yo, do you think I'd be playing here if I had 20 people willing to pay a cover to buy overpriced beer and listen to a shitty sound system??? It's because of ratholes like your's that 20 people WON'T fucking come out.
I am sick of working one's ass off to get gigs, only to finally get booked and find that those that you're sharing the night's bill with are Freakin' ATROCIOUS. I mean, You made me e-mail you twenty times for 6 months, while this joke can waltz in with an Ovation guitar and play bad Jim Croce covers???
And let's not get started on the pay. I mean, the NO PAY. I used to make hundreds of dollars a night when I was in highschool and playing gigs around TX. Then I come to NY and you have to pass a bucket around for tips. And I assure you, that bucket DOES get passed. It passes right by everyone that talked all during your set or got up in the middle of your song to go to the bathroom.
You don't even get free beer anymore. What the HELL?!?! You get 2 bucks off you first 2 drinks!! They're making hundreds off of you, from the booze their slingin' to your friends that came out to hear you, and you get $2 off!! It's bullshit!!

Now, I will admit that although I've been frustrated on occasion, I've really been fortunate in what I've been able to do. I've mostly been an outside witness to the situation through my friends. But, STILL...
And I HAVE been dealt the shaft a' plenty, but when I see friends of mine, who are amazing artists, veteran contributors to the talent pool of NY, nowadays getting shit slots, on shit nights, at shit clubs...I BLOW MY TOP!!!!

I mean, I have a 9 to 5. I don't write songs & perform because I financially have to, I do it because EMOTIONALLY I have to. But, I have friends who have made a commitment to the life and their passion. They are musicians and songwriters and that's what they do. It's their job. And they do it well. They work hard at booking shows, building an audience, etc. So, when bar managers book you and then cancel the night of, or tell you that you get a percentage of the door after the first 15 people, and people let that tip jar go right by, or they walking in front of the stage to pick up on some chick...these guys are getting screwed.

Yes, I realize that every local scene has this to a degree, but ask anyone, NYC blows the competition away when it comes to exploiting musicians.

Ok, that's enough. If you have any interest in checking out some talented NY songwriters, go here.

Houses are big, and I like non sequiturs

2003-10-28T13:42:00.000-05:00

Recently, as I was walking to an Off-Broadway show with a friend, she laid this on me:
"I like smelling skunks."

Hmmm.... How does one respond to this? Well, you don't. You just leave it floating out there so you can continue to appreciate it for all that it is.
Now, my friend has since tried to explain herself and given some after-the-fact disclaimers, but I'm really not interested. I just like that she said it.

Another great moment occurred last week, when I was at the Blue Note, where the wonderful Leo Kottke was performing on stage, and in the middle of things, he pulled the mic up to his mouth and said, "You know, the first guy to ever play pedal steel was named Joaquin Murphy."
He then moved the mic back to it's original position and continued with the show. No lead-in. No wrap-up. He just told us the name of some random guy, and then went on about his business. I LOVE that.

I recommend that people learn to enjoy these moments. Rather than sitting there, and making some wrinkled brow-smarter than thou-face, and saying something like, "..Uh.....Yeah..So, Anyway...."
Appreciate them. I think they're magical moments that reflect the spontaneity of life. And they can be funny as hell or even sometimes surprise you with there poetic beauty.

So, until next time, Friends O' Ken, ice makes your soda cold.

Any excuse to wear makeup

2003-10-24T12:30:00.000-04:00

I need a Halloween costume. Any ideas?

I don't get really motivated for these things. It's not that I'm opposed to dressing up. I just hate thinking of a costume idea and then trying to execute the plan. As a result, I usually DON'T dress up. But I real really hate being the one guy at the party with jeans and a sweater. I think it's totally lame. Like going to a dance and not dancing. So, as a result, I don't go out. Now, this not true all across the board. I have had some very fun Halloween experiences. But the lame ones, are all usually tethered to my lack of excitement in regard to dressing up.

So, now...as if to find enjoyment in watching me cringe, I've been invited to a costume party.

I've already entertained and quickly disposed of the half-ass ideas like, sporting a goatee and going as the "evil" Ken, or throwing on a sport coat and being a college professor. There's no time for anything elaborate like my 2 dream costumes, Han Solo while frozen in carbonite, and Number 5, from Short Circuit.

I suppose I could simply not go, and tell everyone that I was there, and that they must have missed me because my Invisible Man costume was so kickass.
Nah, I'd like to dress up. But I hate this thinking shit. It makes my head hurt.

So anyway, if you have any ideas, write me a comment or tag it on the tag board.

I've Niagara Fallen, and Got Up Just Fine

2003-10-23T10:58:00.000-04:00

Kirk Jones is now famous. I don't know how famous he will remain, but he definitely has a nice little place in history all to himself.

Over the last 100 years, people have been sticking themselves in barrels or building bizarre water vehicles and hurling themselves over Niagara Falls. 5 out of 15 have died for their efforts.

What did Kirk Jones do? Well, he simply strolled up to the top of the falls, laid down in the water, smiled to the tourists as he floated by, and...went right over. No barrel. No pillow ducktaped to his head, No miniature submarine. He just got dressed in regular clothes, had his breakfast, and swam over Niagara Falls!!! This is how he spent his Wednesday!

Another interesting thing, is that authorities have said that they are not sure if it was an intentional stunt or he was trying to commit suicide. They stated that if it was a stunt, he could be fined $10,000. I say, tell them you're a lunatic and wanted to bid a fond farewell to the world. That way you save 10 Grand.

Check out these past Daredevils of Niagara Falls.

Eye in the Sky, I'm A-Okay

2003-10-23T00:26:00.000-04:00

Are we allowed to be depressed anymore? I wonder. I feel like if I really vent everything that is going on in my head, especially on a publicly viewable web log, that someone is gonna call up Reno 911, thinking that I might either kill myself or blow something up.
Nope. Not to worry. Just had a really bad day and a really bizarre night. And I'm not sure that there's anyone that I can really talk to about it. I seem to have to hold things back, even with people I consider my closest friends. As time rolls on, you start to get a feeling of what you Can and Can't say to certain friends. In the end, it's usually quite unsatisfying.
I have a best friend whom I love dearly and knows me better than anyone, but since we are in different states and have radically conflicting schedules, we hardly talk to each other anymore.
So, what does that leave? Blog? Oh HELL no. Not with the mythological Big Brother looming over every typed word.
So I guess you take your thinning hair, your struggling finances, your fuzzy cable, and your ill-fitting pants, and Sleep On It. What else can you do?
Morning is good. It's sure to be just as good, tomorrow.
Blah blah blah. I wonder if I'll delete this when I read it again tomorrow.

Fucking Shit

2003-10-22T10:36:00.000-04:00

Elliot Smith
August 6, 1969 – October 21, 2003

Johnny Cash
March 26, 1932 - September 12, 2003

Warren Zevon
January 24, 1947 - September 7, 2003

Trainsexuals

2003-10-20T15:23:00.000-04:00

Go see The Station Agent. Seriously.
It's showing at the Angelika, Right Now! Yo, this didn't win Best Drama and Best Screenplay at Sundance for nothing.

The story of a little guy in NJ who inherits an old train depot from his only friend, is quite simply, excellent. The dwarf in the depot, the mourning painter, the hot dog selling son to a dying dad, the little girl who appears, asks a question, then quickly disappears again, and the teenage librarian, all manage to form strong bonds to each other, no matter how hard some try not to while others try too hard. The whole cast is great, REALLY great, (just read ANY review) but this is definitely Peter Dinklage's show.

For those that aren't familiar...Peter Dinklage is largely remembered as Tito, the dwarf actor in Tom Di Cillo's film about a film, Living In Oblivion. Hired to appear in a dream sequence wearing a white tuxedo & top-hat and carrying an unreachable green apple, Dinklage makes his debut with a kickass diatribe about the idiocy of how any time anyone thinks of a "dream sequence" they expect a dwarf to be involved, even though 99% of the world has never had a dwarf in any of their dreams.

Finn, Dinklage's character in Station Agent, is much less vocal than Tito, to say the least. But there is a hearty and tragic sweetness that comes through in the whole film, as well as a wonderful sense of pride, romance, & kinship that these special people share with trains and the American Railroad.

I'm not, nor do I wanna be Roger Ebert, so I'll quickly put a stop to this. But, I did love this film and do recommend it.

p.s. I actually met Peter Dinklage, quite randomly at the Ear Inn last year. We had a nice beer together, and then spent the rest of the evening on opposite ends of the bar.

A Picture, May or May Not Last Longer.

2003-10-20T14:34:00.000-04:00

So, I am getting quite tired of being looked at.
No, no. Not the regular lookin' that everyone does and is a normal and essential activity of the brain and eyeball superduo. I mean, the looking that happens across from you while you're sitting on the subway. What is THAT all about?

This morning, I got on the 6, found a seat, pulled out my most recent Saramago indulgence, and upon my glance intermittently bouncing from the page to my general surroundings, I noticed this lady in her mid 40s...staring at me. Just sittin' there and looking Straight At Me. This happens all the time, for NO reason. And it matters not what I'm wearing or where I'm going. Every once in a while, I'll notice these people. Just looking at me. Not saying, not moving,... just.....LOOKING. and quite effectively giving me the creeps, I might add.

What??? Do I have something on my Face? Am I sitting where someone's wet umbrella was?? Are you trying to read the color-coded map of spaghetti that's behind my head??? Just Tell ME!!

How do you get them to stop? Well, this is the mystery. That, in a addition to why they're doing it in the first place.
I've tried several things. Sometimes, I'll start coughing really loudly, in an attempt to Wake 'Em Up from their drooling stupor.
Other times, I'll stare right back. I'll pretend that we're having a staring contest. I could even imagine a make-believe argument that ensues when one of us finally blinks and the other one throws a fit about the loser being the first one who laughs, NOT the first one who blinks. Then we might try again, ultimately arguing about whether or not cracking a smile counts as a laugh.

Most of the time though, I'll just get up and walk to the other side of the car. Bested once again.

So, unfortunately, it seems that soon, I'll have to stop riding the subway. And the bus for that matter.
I wonder if I'll be the first person in history to take a Handsome Cab to work everyday.